Conflict is a funny thing. We talk about it, we hear strategy for resolving it but do we really deal with it, or is it easier to simply stick our heads in the sand and hope it will go away? I would hazard a guess and suggest the majority believe it is better to tackle conflict head on and deal with it, but the reality is most of us do nothing and unfortunately allow the conflict to fester and escalate.

There are many conflict clues that should alert us to the fact that things are not quite right, but unfortunately we don’t seem able to recognize these when they present or more likely, if we do recognize them, we simply fail to act therefore missing or ignoring the opportunity to do something before the conflict gets out of hand.

I have just recently transitioned through a conflicted situation myself and can now share with you that only when we really do act on a conflict to truly resolve it does the oppressiveness of the situation actually go away. When I reflect back on my situation I understand very clearly I carried the weight of this conflict for months before finding the courage to resolve the situation. I believe that finally acting and now feeling absolutely liberated is directly related to the analogy of renovating my house. I have been renovating my psyche also and as part of that renovation, I have emerged stronger and more determined to stay in integrity as I *know* that no-one has any control over you or your destiny other than you. To even contemplate that someone other than you can determine your future is giving away your personal power and in so doing validating a *self-limiting* belief.

These are the clues:

1. Discomforts: This is where perhaps nothing is said yet, but things just don’t feel right. It may be difficult to identify what the problem is. I was in a triangular relationship of client, me and another consultant. Picture a triangle and see the client at the tip of the triangle and then me and the other consultant at each of the bottom ends. I made the comment to the other consultant “that if we were all friends, I would be the friend that was left out.” I was feeling the discomfort, just couldn’t work out exactly why?
2. Incidents: Here a short, sharp exchange occurs without any lasting internal reaction. Has something occurred between you and someone else that has left you upset, irritated or with a result you didn’t want? The incident occurred very early in the forming of the triangular relationship through the bringing in of the external consultant – this was a result I had not contemplated but I went with the flow as the consultant is highly skilled in the area we were working in.
3. Misunderstandings: Here motives and facts are often confused or misperceived. Do your thoughts keep returning frequently to the problem? As time went on, the consultant and I formed a mutually respectful relationship and our relationship increased. However, evidence and actions from the client provided confusion in terms of actions from within the business not supporting the content of the program that we were facilitating. That is, there was incongruence emerging through words that were being said and actions undertaken.
4. Tension: Here relationships are weighed down by negative attitudes to fixed opinions. Has the way you feel about and regard the other person significantly changed for the worse? Is the relationship a source of constant worry and concern? I felt all of this and had it confirmed through my need to de-brief regularly with my team trying to (a) understand what was going on and (b) plan for resolve in some way, expending a lot of unnecessary energy.
5. Crisis: At this stage behaviour is affected, normal functioning becomes difficult, extreme gestures are contemplated or executed. Are you dealing with a major event like a possible rupture in a relationship, leaving a job, or violence? As you can imagine my conflict had moved to this stage; it had to come to a head. What I then realized is that my initial feelings of discomfort had been validated; I had known all along that this point was coming I just failed to acknowledge the reality and then failed to act. So now I was in crisis mode and I chose to withdraw my services from the client as it was clear to me that my contributions and expertise were not valued.

It was at this point that the self-doubt creeps in. It was certainly a big risk to withdraw services from a client when this is what I do for a living. It was even a bigger risk when I had evidence of a pattern of behaviour from this client when challenging situations occur and this would be seen as a challenge for this client. I ran the risk of losing this client in total but chose not be held hostage by revenue nor perceived threat that this client could wield some control over the success or otherwise of my business.

I did it. I withdrew my services and now I can confirm quite happily that life goes on. The oppression is gone and I feel liberated. Five days after the event the client and I did meet to discuss. We were polite and have found a way to move our relationship forward (outside of working together) which of course is a great outcome. Now, as one door closes I live in excited anticipation of how many new doors will open.

So, what did I learn? I learnt that conflict clues are evident and we need to find the courage to act on the clues as they arise. Could I have had a different outcome? Definitely, had I been able to confront the client and engage in authentic dialogue. I preach this stuff and yet I still found it difficult. So the biggest learning is that it is a lifelong approach and next time I will be better prepared to deal with any new conflicted situation and therefore create a different or better outcome. I know I have learnt – I felt the pain! I have grown.