I blogged recently about facilitating an appreciative inquiry; a methodology for identifying all that is working in life, as opposed to focusing on what is not working and looking to problem solve. I can’t stop thinking that even though I understand these concepts, or at least I can intellectualise them, to truly embed them into a way of being is something quite different.
Ken Keys writes -
how soon will you realise that the only thing you don’t have is the direct experience; that there’s nothing you need, that you don’t have?
Abraham Maslow, of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs fame says that we all have levels of need and that only when one level is met can we move onto the next and then through all levels to achieve ‘self actualisation.’
His model is a five-staged approach with the most basic of our needs being physiological. In simplistic terms, this first stage is about life needs, such as food, water and shelter. Once this need is met we then look to be safe and know we have security. This may be work, love, financial security as well as ensuring we are physically safe through living in environments that have law, order and structure. From there we move into family, love, friends, affection and belonging both in a person, professional and community setting. When that need is met we look more inward around personal and professional achievement, status, responsibility and reputation and then the last need transcends all else and is about seeking personal growth and fulfilment and it may or may not be tied to the other needs. Often, at this level we may want to be independent of the world and wish to exist above and apart from material possessions.
Sounds simple? Often however, pursuit of these needs creates the very opposite of the original intent. Where we strive to meet our basic physiological needs we burden ourselves financially which ultimately confines and limits our ability to live life. For example, I may have my house or apartment but my loan repayments are so high I am just surviving, leaving my other needs around social belonging and self esteem un-met. I may be in a soul-destroying job that is providing me with plenty of money to meet my physiological and safety needs, but is so depressing it is having an adverse affect on my social belonging need and not providing me with opportunity to meet my self esteem and self actualisation needs.
What to do? The answer is balance and perspective.
Maslow intended his model to help managers identify that a team member cannot be a team player (level 3) if his house is about to be re-possessed (level 2) and a sales person can’t be
motivated to achieve targets (level 4) when they’re having problems with their marriage (level 3).
It is however, equally useful for determining where we are at in our lives, to help decide how we might want to be doing something different or better.
For me, I am definitely at levels 4 & 5, having many times in the past worked through levels 1 – 3. That is, life for me all is about love (deep, romantic love) and seeking achievement, status, reputation, personal growth and fulfilment. What I have come to realise though, is that in my current state I have confined myself to survival mode at levels 1 & 2 through being tied to a level of money to maintain my current lifestyle. And don’t think I don’t get that last statement is all about my EGO. You see, I have a lifestyle and one that I have potentially linked to my-Self. So, if my lifestyle was to change what would that say about me, what would that do to me?
It begs the question ‘how many of us see ourselves as the job we do, or the level of money we earn, or the status trappings we have; the flash car (s), the big house, the bigger toys, the bling, the holidays.” This mindset I think, keeps us in level 3 of Maslow’s hierarchy, and not always for the right reasons.
So in order for me to follow my dreams, live my passion and find my mojo, I have come to the realisation that I need to let go of my EGO, and in doing so re-think my lifestyle. This may be temporary or it may be permanent, I don’t know yet but the one thing I do know is, if I don’t do something different, I will just keep getting the same.
I have decided when I wake up tomorrow, I will put into play some strategies that will support my endeavours to realise ‘self-actualisation’ and have faith that the choices I make will support my future and my mojo will return, double-strength. I have everything I need; I just need to re-arrange how it is presented. Here’s to tomorrow.
Be afraid of nothing –
you have within you
all wisdom
all power
all strength
all understanding
~ Eileen Caddy
I went through the phase that you are at about fifteen years ago when I left my marriage and the house that I had physically built from the ground up. After property settlement in 2000 the last tie with that house and all the financial and physical toil it represented was cut.
I gave up most of what I had worked for in the previous fifteen years but instead of being depressing, it was very liberating because I was no longer tied to those commitments. I was embarrassed for choice and in a very good de facto relationship at the time. From that base I created the opportunity to go back to Uni and study and do a pile of other interesting things.
My ex wife got the house but I got my life back and, in time my children came back too. When you realise how little you really need down at level one, you can move up the hierarchy.
Too many people keep inventing new “needs” at level one so they never have to confront the biggest obstacle they have to moving up the hierachy – their own fears and doubts.
Di – some very brave realisations particularly in a public realm – congratulations. In my experience and considering cycles and associated personal growth, I believe we work through the various levels on several occasions during our lifetime. Just when we think we have it all together, bang, we get hit by the bus and find ourselves (sometimes inadvertenty) starting again. For example levels 4 & 5 have completely different meaning to me now than they did many years ago, when I was living what was a relevant level 4 & 5 back then. The difference between then and now I believe, is EGO. I’m no master of EGO management by any means but I can look back with a comparison now and realise just how blessed I really am today. It’s not an easy journey because EGO tends to be a pretty stiff opponent along the way…
Brian – I wholeheartedly have to say that I agree with you. For years I supported a union which was endlessly about surpassing the first-class, 6 star overseas trips… the next model BM convertible… the brand label infants clothing… and the CK underwear… It didn’t stop there. It was an ‘exciting time’ and in its own way, a level 4 & 5 that was real at the time.
Then one glorious winter’s day I sat alone in my multi-story waterfront mansion, surrounded by nothing less than all the ‘finer things in life’ and questioned whether this was really the path to ‘self actualisation’. I felt there was no real purpose to my (then) existence.
Three and a half years ago, I made the decision to explore the meaning of it all. And with $78 in my personal bank account, I took two young children, two ‘homeless bags’, two bikes and bottle of gin, struck a deal with the local caravan park owner (and school principal) and started life all over again. It was the most humiliating (EGO), humbling and liberating journey of my life – all in one (but not all at the same time!).
To this day, I remain stunned by the realisation of what it is that blesses me. On display is not much in terms of material wealth but within, I have all that I need – friends, family, health, self confidence and an opportunity to support others through their various Maslow stages. I have a renewed purpose which provides me the strength and courage to assist clients in their pursuits and which in turn supports me like no Cartier, Armani or multi-storey mansion ever did!
For me right now, it just doesn’t get much better…!
Keep working on it Di – your mojo is out there and you won’t know yourself when you find it!
It is truly interesting isn’t it when you have the realisation that EGO drives choice and more interesting when you start to choose just how you allow EGO to drive choice? I am loving the journey and love your comments and support.
I too think my MOJO is on the return… stay tuned and thank you.
EGO is not a dirty word – so sang the late Shirley Strachan with Skyhooks when they were Living in the Seventies and it still holds true today.
If EGO drives you to make choices to gain the approval/envy/adulation of others then that is simply a symptom that you suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists need a constant supply of approval/envy/adulation from others to feed their narcissism and they will work tirelessly to get that. They are to the world at large highly successful people but to those closest to them they are toxic. The professional and business world is littered with them.
They suffer from a malignant EGO growing out of control.
A healthy EGO promotes appropriate self love, a pre-condition for being able to love someone else.
So don’t disparage EGO, just keep its growth benign.
Good song! Agreed, it is about having the awareness or being conscious of where and how our EGO supports us and where and how our EGO impedes us. I have written about this in terms of reactions (EGO driven) and responses (planned and purposeful) in relation to when stuff happens to us. That is, when our buttons are pushed or perhaps we are outside of our comfort zone do we react or do we respond?
I haven’t published this piece yet, so stay tuned…
Thank you!