Nine grains of rice

be careful what you ask for

Who would have thought that 9 grains of rice could be so life changing!  I have often heard the words ‘be careful what you ask for’ and I now know the power of these six simple little words.

Have you ever noticed how life has a way of dishing up the lessons we need to learn just when we need to learn them?   So the Universe decided I needed to experience bullying, bitchy women which, I have got to say has been interesting to say the least.  I must confess that I had been asking for a project or a job that basically was a no-brainer. That is, a job that I could simply go to work, do my thing and come home.  Well, thank you universe that is exactly what I got, along with a couple of women who truly demonstrate narrow-minded, no-brainer at its best.  And just for the record, this is where ‘be careful what you ask for’ comes into play, because whilst it was what I asked for it was not actually my intent.

At first I was elated to have a longer term project in a sector of the resources industry that is booming, going off; one of the biggest projects in the entire world and I had scored myself a Guernsey – neat!  It was a role I could do standing on my head, so from about 2 weeks in it confused me as to why it seemed so hard; why did it feel like ‘I must be missing the point’ that there must be something I was not getting that everyone else on my team seemed to get?  I could not work it out, but the sense of not knowing or the sense of something not right was palpable.

For years I have built a career on relationships and authentic communication.  In fact, I often refer to myself as the communications queen so again it was confusing that for no apparent reason I could not seem to engage with the women on my team.  When I asked a question, I got very short snappy responses, like I was some absolute irritant asking really annoying stuff.  I would have thought that questions were a healthy means to embed a new starter into a role?

the BFFs became a fiercely formidable force

As I now analyse the situation I can see that as individuals they both have propensity for bitchiness and collectively they simply enabled each other.  They became BFFs very quickly; like attract like. And in no time it was obvious that they were a fiercely formidable force to reckon with as day after day I listened to their banter of gossip, put-downs, ridicule and just general mean spiritedness.  I realised also, that it would not be long before it would be my turn.  However, the thing about bullying is that it is not overt; the perpetrators are usually not brave enough to say anything to your face so it is the passive aggression that eats at you.  The not really knowing what the hell is going on but all the time feeling excluded, isolated and second guessing – is it really happening or perhaps it is just me, maybe I am an incompetent moron?

I was starting to get fed up.  It was not fun going to work.  If it weren’t for one particular person I had befriended as a sounding board I would have left weeks before I did.  I suggested to one of my team that perhaps it would be beneficial to have a weekly catch up to share and exchange information as at the weekly team meetings we only discussed the periphery?   The first week she cancelled, the second week she suggested the other woman participate also and in that get together I got a double dose, they both attacked my point of view.  We never had another and I was more confused by their behaviour than ever.  So this was the sum of my relationship with these women; seemingly polite but you could cut the air with a knife.  It was awful.  I received an award for a piece of work that I had done, and neither woman said a word. The silence was deafening.

I carefully counted out 9 grains of rice, and placed them under my doormat

So, what has all this got to do with 9 grains of rice?  Well, as I do … I started to lament to my friends and colleagues about this poohey contract I had taken and wished I hadn’t when one of my friends, who had just been through a bit of an upheaval herself said “my mum told me to get 9 grains of rice and put them under my doormat and then just sit back and wait for the tide to turn, the phones to ring.”  It worked for her so I went home, carefully counted out 9 grains of rice and placed them under mine. 

That was Sunday, and on waking up Monday morning I wished I didn’t have to go to work.  But of course I did and what happened that day was amazing – yes my phone rang with an offer to run a series of workshops for a client I had not done any work for in over 3 years.  I have to confess to giggling to myself, wondering if the 9 grains of rice really were working their magic but that was nothing compared to what was about to happen. 

just the narrow minded arrogance I needed to make choice

Later in the week,  a manager from another part of the business but who sat in the same area as me and the other women proceeded to tell me how he thought the way those women treated me was appalling; very hostile; very aggressive and it would be dealt with.  Well, that revelation opened up a very big can of worms for me, but in essence it all suddenly became clear.  Rather than me second guessing, he had validated what I had been feeling all this time and I now had absolute clarity; and along with that clarity, came the realisation just how intolerable my situation was.   The following day at the regular team meet the notion of ‘tension in the team’ was brought up.  During that interaction, it became obvious to me that we had got, or yes … I had got to a point of no return.  The epiphany for me was hearing the words ‘you don’t have time to engage with stakeholders’ – this was just the narrow-minded arrogance I needed to make choice.

I realised then it wasn’t the situation I found intolerable, I liked my job and I did indeed, engage well with stakeholders, it was the women in my team; I found the women intolerable.  I do not relate to any human that is incapable of respecting a fellow human. I realised this was a values clash.  I was in a team where one woman thinks it is her right AND thinks it is funny to ridicule others and the other is simply a sad victim of life, where the only way to get your point across is through aggression and over-use of the fuck word – oh and to train your dogs, by kicking them up the arse [her words]!  I realised that these women live in a world of black and white, I see life as many shades of grey.  I get their need is to be right and therefore everyone else, including me is wrong!

I came, I experienced, I learnt the lesson and I chose to move on.

The 9 grains of rice, obviously metaphor for having the courage to pursue in life that which is important and having the courage to remove from life, that which is not.  Perhaps there is also some actual magic in the rice as my phones are ringing, options are boundless and the stress from the effects of bullying behaviour, gone! 

Aaahhh the lessons of life … I never tire of the validation that this is lifelong learning at its best.