From the beginning: I went out one Friday night!
They say that renovating your house is akin to renovating your soul; the house being metaphor for your psyche. So, that must mean I am going through a major overhaul right now!
Yesterday the house renovations started quite literally with a bang, thud and crash. As the demolition occurs and bits of the house crumble and fall, the bob-cat dutifully comes along scrapes it all into a neat pile and throws it into a very large truck to be carted away to goodness knows where.
So what is this saying about me? Are layers of me also being stripped away, demolished to be swept up and carted off? What am I throwing away? What will be the new me after this rather cathartic process? Hmmmmm, interesting parallel, let’s see what happens.
I wrote that text in a blog a couple of years ago and now realise just how prophetic those words were or indeed how true the connection between house and soul! The renovation of house finished but the renovation or transformation of me continues…
So I thought I would share a bit of this journey with you. I have changed, maybe grown up even, not sure. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to not be aware and not reflect and analyse life, however that doesn’t work for me especially given my chosen career and philosophy of Lifelong Learning. And this is one of those lifelong learning moments… so this story or journey is aptly titled “fifty, fabulous and a bunch of other f words!”
In retrospect, it was really quite scary reaching the big 5 – 0 only to realise there had to be more to life. The renovation and then the transformation of the house paralleled my life. I realised I wanted the best experience life could offer me so I made the humungous decision to head off on a solo path ending the long term relationship.
On the approach to this significant birthday friends actually said to me “Watch out turning fifty, you may leave the marriage, sell the house, chuck in the job, or give away the kids and animals – well so true!” So here I am now at the ripe age of 50 something single, and loving it. The weight of an unfulfilling relationship lifted to reveal a zest for life that makes me want to skip down the street bare feet and dance naked in kings park, if of course that were allowed.
I went out one Friday night and fell in love! Yes it was a person, a lovely man, and whilst it was everything I had dreamed and hoped for it was also way more. The experience was metaphor for change, courage and growth at the emotional and spiritual levels; and at the physical it was just sheer joy at experiencing the light headed giddiness that goes with flirting and romance, of being drunk on the moment and not on any actual substance. The feeling of invigoration; I was tingling with excitement at what might be. But at the same time, not attached to what might be. It may be forever, or it may fizzle tomorrow, but to feel all this again was just sensational.
Relationships that don’t work shut you down to these types of feelings, turn off the youthful exuberance of being in love, of touching the other person, breathing in their smell and kissing to the point of getting lost in that embrace and falling into a world that you don’t want to return from. I found this on that Friday night, out of the blue there he was and we clicked. The chemistry was instantaneous and exhilarating. We chatted to the early hours of the morning, held hands and kissed like teenagers.
We arranged to meet the next day and in the cold harsh reality of daylight, it was just as good. The day morphed into the night and we had not run out of things to say, we ate some food, we drank some beer and kept talking, holding hands and kissing. It was then I realised something else was stirring in me. Something I hadn’t felt for a long time; I felt alive and aching with excitement, something I had turned off or at least shut down a long time ago and now I realised this feeling, this state of youthful exuberance is something I want in my life always; I want more of this – OH – MY – GOD!
Ok, so here is the reality check… how ridiculous at my age to be behaving like this, let alone writing/blogging about it.
But that is the point… age should not prevent any of us from seeking fulfilment and chasing rainbows and dreams. Here’s the thing: to be in love is to be and feel young. So why does love avoid so many of us? What happened that Friday night that allowed two people to connect?
Firstly, we were obviously in the right place at the right time, so it is important to be out and about. Then the rest was up to us. He or I could have feigned disinterest, but we didn’t. We could have pretended to be something we are not, but we didn’t. We allowed ourselves to be vulnerable (well, at least I did) and we took the bull by the horns. Neither of us was expecting to rescue or be rescued by the other, we were simply enjoying the moment – or so I thought!
The experience got me thinking about what I want from life. And what I know is I want to experience deep, passionate, intimate, romantic love – unashamedly!
Our well-being is based on being balanced and love and everything that goes with love is part of that balance.
So the moral to this story is LIFE has to be lived. It is a waste to stay somewhere and not be happy or fulfilled, and yet sadly many of us do. I say find the courage to live the life you really want. Be passionate, dare to thrill and be thrilled and in the process be whole and feel the giddiness of youth through love and romance. This, I got tell you, is a great place to be.
