It’s a funny thing… when you finally get what you think you want only to find it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.  I came home one night to find half my house missing … and I cried!  In fact I sobbed uncontrollably.  But why was I crying?  Was it because he had gone?  Was I crying for what coulda, shoulda been?  Or was I crying with relief that finally it was over?

I actually think I was crying for all of the above.   I was mourning for something that was no longer.

Seeing the empty spaces in my house was a very real visual that he was gone, along with some of my / our stuff.  I was sad for what coulda, shoulda been.  Why couldn’t he love me?  Why couldn’t he support and nurture me?  Why couldn’t / didn’t we have stuff in common?  Why were we not friends, lovers, confidantes, mates – we should have been?  And yes, I was happy – albeit sobbing – with relief that it was finally over, finally done.  He had moved out.  I could now move on.

I woke the next day feeling exhausted but at peace.  I knew I had a choice.  I could choose to wallow in sadness or I could embrace the new day as a new beginning and get on with life.  I chose the latter and bid farewell to that part of my life.  The next few days saw a new energy build in me.  I felt happy, and I hadn’t been happy for a long time.  I could feel the old me returning; the me with zest and resolve to live the second half of life way different to the first.

This year has been a year of endings; just about everything I knew and did stopped being, it all ended.  Overall, the year has been quite stressful so I am more than happy to bid it farewell.  So as the year draws to a close I find myself reflecting on the lessons presented and what I learned.  I came up with the following which I have called:

- 20 tips to make life more rewarding:

Tip # 1: create and communicate a compelling and shared vision of the future

Tip # 2: make the vision yours by living today as if you have achieved it

Tip # 3: be excited, enthused and optimistic about your vision

Tip # 4: be open to creative problem-solving: think outside the box

Tip # 5: remember feedback is just that; not an excuse to argue

Tip # 6: when holding onto beliefs ask yourself ‘how is that working for me?’

Tip # 7: re-think ideas and problems

Tip # 8: the first sign of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome

Tip # 9: always ask yourself ‘what role am I playing’ in this situation

Tip # 10: share information, dreams, hopes and concerns always

Tip # 11: let those around you know you appreciate them

Tip # 12: say thank you and I love you often

Tip # 13: smile in the face of adversity, for adversity is only a state of mind

Tip # 14: when moving forward and having to take two steps backward, remember to breathe, and then smile

Tip # 15: ponder all the possibilities amid your potential for it is we, not others that limit us

Tip # 16: Henry Ford once said ‘if you think you can, you will; if you think you can’t, you won’t’

Tip # 17: some see an answer for every problem; others see a problem for every answer

Tip # 18: we are all human beings; we should allow our humans to be

Tip # 19: when life seems difficult, just go with what is

Tip #20: whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it now!

Let me know your thoughts.  What was the year like for you, what did you learn?

Friday night here I come! I had stayed in for the last couple of weeks and was champing at the bit to get out and about. So there I was, standing in a bar in a trendy part of town, chatting and laughing with the girls, eyeing the crowd hoping that someone interesting might be there also, and yup there he was. It’s funny don’t you think, that in a crowded bar there is always that one person that stands out? He certainly had the look; the right physical build, tall and cute with glasses. I watched as he walked to the far side of the room out of sight, so I suggested to the girls we move also but when I went to look for him, nothing, no-where, not to be found. Damn, I thought, he must have left.

On the return from the hunt for this rather gorgeous man we walked back to the other side of the room and I, quite literally nearly fell over him. In my surprise, I asked rather reticently, if it was OK to park myself next to where he was standing. He said ‘of course’ and waived me in to the piece of wall next to him.

I stood leaning against the wall wondering how I could get to talk without it appearing too ridiculously forward. As I pondered this, I realised I was feeling quite nervous and unsure, so I decided to simply go for broke and face him head on. I turned toward him, looked him in the eye and said ‘hi, what brings you here tonight?’ As it turned out, he was from Sydney, a writer – over here to do a piece on the rugby match that was playing the following night – and … very happily married. Bummer about the married bit but hey, out of all the people in the bar that night, I was bemused by the fact that I had honed in on and met a writer!

I see myself as a writer and told him so. He was great, just what I needed. In no more than fifteen minutes he had given me great words of encouragement, said writing was a way of life second to nothing, full of excitement, travel and ‘fancy getting paid to do something you really love.’ He writes a regular column for an Australian city based newspaper and has had several books published. So how fortuitous was that meeting?

Earlier in the night I had been speaking with another man, responding to the usual ‘so what do you do’ type question. I mentioned I was a writer and he proceeded to tell me how hard that must be and rattled off a synopsis of a book by George Orwell that detailed his life as a down and out un-published writer living on the bones of his arse in Paris, France. He then went on to tell me that in a previous life he worked in the music industry and the number of aspiring artists that would submit CDs of their musical talent only to have them end up in some executives rubbish bin because of the enormity of the task, which must be the same for writers, right? You would be just one of many he asked quizzically with that ‘you’re not really serious are you’ type of tone and look?

I listened politely as I understood he was simply sharing his perspective of life and that a career in writing, along with any type of musical leaning is considered by most, risky.

Many of us choose to play it safe and many more of us choose to listen to people who choose to play it safe and limit ourselves to a life of mediocre ho-hum to please others.

I stood in a crowded bar on a Friday night and fortuitously met a writer who confirmed for me that to pursue your passion is the only way to live your life!

It reminds me of the Humphrey Bogart line in Casablanca “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine. …”

It always seems like we never really value the simple things in life, like a thank you.  Saying thank you costs us nothing, yet the value of a thank you is almost immeasurable.  I recall having this very conversation with a bunch of leaders in various leadership forums, over many years and I got to tell you if I had a dollar for every time I heard the following, ‘why should I thank them, I pay them don’t I’ I would be extremely wealthy indeed.  It got me thinking.  Imagine if we used a similar line on our significant others when asked ‘do you love me darling?’ and we responded with ‘well, I married you, didn’t I.’ 

Hmmmm, doesn’t quite work does it?  Well, it doesn’t work either to forget to thank those around us for doing whatever it is they are doing.  You see, it is a fundamental underlying human principle for us all to want to contribute and feel valued. In a work setting, this means that doing our job and being remunerated is only part of the equation.  We want to do our job, be remunerated and feel valued. 

Organisation’s today spend a lot of time, money and effort on implementing employee reward and recognition schemes yet fail to develop their workplace leaders in the act of saying thank you.  Two simple words; thank and you, and when said with authentic intent are great motivators.  A thank you is feedback; feedback that reinforces we are doing something right, and potentially doing it well. 

A thank you is a behavioural intervention, in that when we are told thank you we are being noticed and when we are being noticed we want more of that so we do more of what we were doing that generated the thank you in the first place.

In a personal setting, a thank you sets the behavioural standard also.  That is, when our children pick up their clothes and put them in the dirty clothes basket and we say thank you, they are more likely to do it again and again.  When our significant other cooks a great meal and we say thank you, we are letting them know how loved and appreciated they are and they are more likely to find ways of doing more for us because they value the contributions to and recognition of the relationship. 

Think about this, it even works with our pets!  When we say good dog, for peeing outside or for not barking inappropriately, what we are saying is thank you.  Thank you for peeing in the right place and thank you for not barking at that cat sitting on the fence; a thank you reinforces good behaviour.

A genuine appreciation of another through a thank you is a powerful motivator for good behaviour; it is a reward and recognition system that costs nothing.  So, how hard is it to say thank you?  How hard is it to genuinely appreciate the effort of another? How hard is it to provide feedback to another through these two simple words; thank you? 

Obviously hard, because it gets overlooked time and time again through excuses such as ‘I shouldn’t have to thank them for doing their job.’ ‘I shouldn’t have to thank him for cleaning his room; this is not a hotel you know.’ ‘She should know I appreciate the work she does.’ And on and on we could go.  I am sure you can relate to a lot of these statements?

So what is the answer?  Just do it.  Embed gratitude into your everyday living, let those around you know how much you appreciate them by saying thank you, and when appropriate I love you, often. 

When was the last time you said thank you?  If you have ever wondered how to get those around you to achieve the outcomes you seek, just try these simple words.  I have no doubt you will be delighted with the result.

Feedback… of course… where was your head at?  Feedback is so important for us to truly gain a sense of who we are, by validating our view of self through others.

Mirror, mirror on the wall; do I see me warts and all?

I have been telling this version of the Snow White story for many years now. It is a true story about me.  You see I used to look in my mirror and see Snow White. I saw myself as a results-oriented hard worker; a people-person who was fun to be around. What I didn’t see was how others viewed me. To them I was obsessed with work and winning; aggressively task-oriented through driving people; and as for fun, it was on my terms only.

So where I saw Snow White, others saw Wicked Witch of the West. What a shock when someone finally decided to share this with me. My immediate reaction of course was deny – blame – justify.  Deny that I was anything other than sweetness and light, blame anyone and everyone else, because if I behaved in a certain way it was because *they* made me and justify my position on some basis, because it was important for me to protect my EGO, my view of me.  Wow, what a bitter pill to swallow! But as my mother would say, “Where there is smoke there is usually fire.”

So I took some time to reflect on the feedback I had just received, and so my journey of self discovery and creating congruence between my inner and outer self began.

To get a sense of how you feel about feedback ask yourself ‘do you like to give it?’  If your answer is no then more than likely you don’t like to receive it either.  Feedback has to be reciprocal.  That is, if you provide feedback to others you must be prepared also to receive it.  Most of us think that feedback is confrontational, perhaps even negative.  However, feedback is simply a method of gaining clarity around our behaviours and attitudes. 

For example, I might see myself as a shy retiring sort of person that doesn’t like to get in people’s way.  So this translates into me arriving at work each morning without bothering my fellow workers and settling into my desk and computer and starting my day.  What my fellow workers see however is someone that is aloof, maybe a little arrogant (what! can’t even say good morning or hello) and potentially someone who is not a team player and doesn’t care; and all of these statements have the potential for becoming powerful limiting career options.  All that has to happen in this instance is for someone to tell me, and usually when the feedback is received it is received graciously because most of us are not aware how we behave or more importantly how our behaviours are perceived.  I would have been mortified to hear that I was perceived as aloof and not a team player as I was mortified when I was actually told I was aggressive and steam-rolling over my team! 

I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand that I was perceived in that way and most of us are the same.  We don’t like feedback because we see it as personal.  That is, I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I won’t tell him the team think he should not be on the project because he won’t speak out at meetings.   If we look at that last sentence in terms of ‘I don’t want to hurt his feelings’, how arrogant is that?  How arrogant for us to think that another person is not capable of receiving feedback. So rather than show compassion and inform the person, we say and do nothing and again potentially limit that person’s career.

When providing feedback we should look at the performance or the behaviour NOT wrap the person up with it.  That is, rather than make comments like “Henry, you are lazy and have a poor attitude toward your job.”  Re-frame the feedback to be specific and say “Henry, you have been 15 minutes late for the last three mornings. Please explain why.”

The key to feedback is to remember:

‘We may not remember what was said,
but we will always remember how it made us feel’

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now. ~ Goethe

Well … here we are, at the start of the new financial year. Have you noticed how fast the months and years are going by or is it just me?

The answer to life?

Throughout the year, I have been pondering life, love and the universe trying to figure the answer to that eternal question ‘what is life all about?’ That is, what is it I am here to do, what is my purpose? Am I happy? What do I want to achieve in life? How do I want to live my life? I am sure most of us, at some stage have had similar thoughts… as I *get* that some of us have never had these types of thoughts. Which begs the question ‘does life just happen to us, or do we play some role in determining the life we lead?’

Choice or no choice?

I am going to work on the proposition that we create the life we lead, we create every drama and every scenario that plays out for us; and this is relevant to both our personal and professional lives. How do we do this? Through choice. Every choice we make is a choice, even when we truly believe we don’t have a choice. The mere notion of not having a choice, IS actually a choice and this sets the scene for whatever is going to happen next. Having said that, no choice is a bad choice. All choices simply provide the path we tread at that given time. If after, we decide we should have, could have done something different or better then that sets the path for making a different choice next time. Where perhaps we fail, is when we keep doing the same thing, keep making the same choices hoping for a different outcome?

The essence of Self?

Life, relationships and leadership all start within. We don’t really understand life, can’t really build sound relationships and certainly aren’t able to lead effectively if we don’t have a sense of who we are. That is, what is the essence of me: who am I, what values do I hold, what is important to me, what would I never compromise, what expectations do I have for me, for others – whether that be family, friends or work colleagues? In other words, what do I know about me?

Now, this is the interesting part. How do I know what I believe to know about me is true? What if, I don’t really know that about me, I just think it to be me? And this is the place most of us are at? We have a view of ourselves we believe to be true but most times it is so inextricably entwined with our EGO that we create a false sense of who we are, and this drives the choices we make. We make choices that are designed to protect our EGO, to protect our sense of self. We make choices that potentially limit our ability, limit ourselves.

Lifelong Learning?

I get it! And I get that this is where learning for life fits. It is about creating consciousness and deep understanding of self. For it is only when we truly understand ourselves that we can effectively interact with others in whatever capacity that may be: as child, as parent, as partner, as work colleague, as team member, as leader. Learning about Self is crucial and understanding that Self is complex and made up of many aspects, all which need to be balanced and nourished is vital. Learning this, learning about self, should underpin every other piece of learning that ever takes place.

Well-being and Wellness?

My business, Lifelong Learning operates within a well-being model called the Seven-Dimensions. The Seven-dimensions enables us to explore work-life balance and the mind-body connection, to build depth of understanding around the fact that the work and learning we undertake, contributes to the health and wellness of each of us as individuals, groups, organisations and communities.

So, what is the answer to life?

Whatever you want it to be. It is all about you. It is knowing that life is full of possibilities and you are full of potential.

Huh? You don’t believe me? Well, therein lies the answer…

So ponder this… what choices are you making now to create the future you want?