Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now. ~ Goethe

Well … here we are, at the start of the new financial year. Have you noticed how fast the months and years are going by or is it just me?

The answer to life?

Throughout the year, I have been pondering life, love and the universe trying to figure the answer to that eternal question ‘what is life all about?’ That is, what is it I am here to do, what is my purpose? Am I happy? What do I want to achieve in life? How do I want to live my life? I am sure most of us, at some stage have had similar thoughts… as I *get* that some of us have never had these types of thoughts. Which begs the question ‘does life just happen to us, or do we play some role in determining the life we lead?’

Choice or no choice?

I am going to work on the proposition that we create the life we lead, we create every drama and every scenario that plays out for us; and this is relevant to both our personal and professional lives. How do we do this? Through choice. Every choice we make is a choice, even when we truly believe we don’t have a choice. The mere notion of not having a choice, IS actually a choice and this sets the scene for whatever is going to happen next. Having said that, no choice is a bad choice. All choices simply provide the path we tread at that given time. If after, we decide we should have, could have done something different or better then that sets the path for making a different choice next time. Where perhaps we fail, is when we keep doing the same thing, keep making the same choices hoping for a different outcome?

The essence of Self?

Life, relationships and leadership all start within. We don’t really understand life, can’t really build sound relationships and certainly aren’t able to lead effectively if we don’t have a sense of who we are. That is, what is the essence of me: who am I, what values do I hold, what is important to me, what would I never compromise, what expectations do I have for me, for others – whether that be family, friends or work colleagues? In other words, what do I know about me?

Now, this is the interesting part. How do I know what I believe to know about me is true? What if, I don’t really know that about me, I just think it to be me? And this is the place most of us are at? We have a view of ourselves we believe to be true but most times it is so inextricably entwined with our EGO that we create a false sense of who we are, and this drives the choices we make. We make choices that are designed to protect our EGO, to protect our sense of self. We make choices that potentially limit our ability, limit ourselves.

Lifelong Learning?

I get it! And I get that this is where learning for life fits. It is about creating consciousness and deep understanding of self. For it is only when we truly understand ourselves that we can effectively interact with others in whatever capacity that may be: as child, as parent, as partner, as work colleague, as team member, as leader. Learning about Self is crucial and understanding that Self is complex and made up of many aspects, all which need to be balanced and nourished is vital. Learning this, learning about self, should underpin every other piece of learning that ever takes place.

Well-being and Wellness?

My business, Lifelong Learning operates within a well-being model called the Seven-Dimensions. The Seven-dimensions enables us to explore work-life balance and the mind-body connection, to build depth of understanding around the fact that the work and learning we undertake, contributes to the health and wellness of each of us as individuals, groups, organisations and communities.

So, what is the answer to life?

Whatever you want it to be. It is all about you. It is knowing that life is full of possibilities and you are full of potential.

Huh? You don’t believe me? Well, therein lies the answer…

So ponder this… what choices are you making now to create the future you want?

Do you have memories of certain events that perhaps decades later you still recall as potentially being defining moments in your life?

I do, I have several. One of these was when I was thirteen and at the home of my very first love interest, a boy from the neighbourhood. His mother knew of my mother, so she was making friendly conversation with me and asking after her. I recall it being just at the time my mother was first needing to wear glasses.

I was recounting the events of how my mother had just been to see the optimist (sic) and was due to go back a week later to pick up her glasses. I was animated in my storytelling as I felt so grown up to be having this conversation with this boy’s mother. So I mentioned the optimist many times and was puzzled when my boy interest kept giggling and having these knowing glance exchanges with his mother who I recall at one time putting her finger over her lips in that ssshhhhh motion.

I left and went home both elated and puzzled at what might have been happening during this conversation.

The next day, I was in the car with my mum and dad and I mentioned how I had caught up with Mrs Taylor and was explaining how I had been telling her how mum had been to the optimist, when my dad interjected with ‘you mean optometrist?’ And there, in those few seconds, my stomach knotted and my life slipped into deep embarrassment. How could I have been soooooo stupid to not know it was an optometrist and not an optimist?

I then recalled the look of knowing that was being shared between my love interest boy and his mother and wondered why did they not correct me? Why did they smirk and giggle and basically allow me to make an idiot of myself and say nothing?

And here I am thirty odd years later, writing about this event because it is so indelibly etched in my memory as one of those life defining moments.

Now when I see people with their fly un-done, or green gunk stuck in their teeth or suffering bad body odour, I tell them playfully, when appropriate and always respectfully. And you know what? All people are thankful and grateful as I know I would have been had I been picked up for my incorrect word all those years ago and saved the pain of re-living the embarrassment over and over again in my head.

So the moral to this story is courage and compassion. Find the courage to tell the person that is potentially embarrassing themselves so they can rectify the situation and move on, rather than them having to work it out later and re-live the hell for however long it takes to get over it, if indeed it is ever gotten over?

I accidentally deleted some comments when I was getting rid of some of the spam that this blog site receives – oops, sorry about that!

Di

What is life going to look like in 2009?  I am sure we all ponder something similar every new year. For me, I know that life is going to be quite different than it was in 2008.  My business is changing, my life is changing, people around me are changing and I have changed!  I think I have finally worked out what I want to be when I grow up and 2009 will see me implement these changes.  As part of this change, I am revamping my web site and along with that change this blog will change also.  So change is a plenty … for me, life and business… so stay tuned.

Conflict is a funny thing. We talk about it, we hear strategy for resolving it but do we really deal with it, or is it easier to simply stick our heads in the sand and hope it will go away? I would hazard a guess and suggest the majority believe it is better to tackle conflict head on and deal with it, but the reality is most of us do nothing and unfortunately allow the conflict to fester and escalate.

There are many conflict clues that should alert us to the fact that things are not quite right, but unfortunately we don’t seem able to recognize these when they present or more likely, if we do recognize them, we simply fail to act therefore missing or ignoring the opportunity to do something before the conflict gets out of hand.

I have just recently transitioned through a conflicted situation myself and can now share with you that only when we really do act on a conflict to truly resolve it does the oppressiveness of the situation actually go away. When I reflect back on my situation I understand very clearly I carried the weight of this conflict for months before finding the courage to resolve the situation. I believe that finally acting and now feeling absolutely liberated is directly related to the analogy of renovating my house. I have been renovating my psyche also and as part of that renovation, I have emerged stronger and more determined to stay in integrity as I *know* that no-one has any control over you or your destiny other than you. To even contemplate that someone other than you can determine your future is giving away your personal power and in so doing validating a *self-limiting* belief.

These are the clues:

1. Discomforts: This is where perhaps nothing is said yet, but things just don’t feel right. It may be difficult to identify what the problem is. I was in a triangular relationship of client, me and another consultant. Picture a triangle and see the client at the tip of the triangle and then me and the other consultant at each of the bottom ends. I made the comment to the other consultant “that if we were all friends, I would be the friend that was left out.” I was feeling the discomfort, just couldn’t work out exactly why?
2. Incidents: Here a short, sharp exchange occurs without any lasting internal reaction. Has something occurred between you and someone else that has left you upset, irritated or with a result you didn’t want? The incident occurred very early in the forming of the triangular relationship through the bringing in of the external consultant – this was a result I had not contemplated but I went with the flow as the consultant is highly skilled in the area we were working in.
3. Misunderstandings: Here motives and facts are often confused or misperceived. Do your thoughts keep returning frequently to the problem? As time went on, the consultant and I formed a mutually respectful relationship and our relationship increased. However, evidence and actions from the client provided confusion in terms of actions from within the business not supporting the content of the program that we were facilitating. That is, there was incongruence emerging through words that were being said and actions undertaken.
4. Tension: Here relationships are weighed down by negative attitudes to fixed opinions. Has the way you feel about and regard the other person significantly changed for the worse? Is the relationship a source of constant worry and concern? I felt all of this and had it confirmed through my need to de-brief regularly with my team trying to (a) understand what was going on and (b) plan for resolve in some way, expending a lot of unnecessary energy.
5. Crisis: At this stage behaviour is affected, normal functioning becomes difficult, extreme gestures are contemplated or executed. Are you dealing with a major event like a possible rupture in a relationship, leaving a job, or violence? As you can imagine my conflict had moved to this stage; it had to come to a head. What I then realized is that my initial feelings of discomfort had been validated; I had known all along that this point was coming I just failed to acknowledge the reality and then failed to act. So now I was in crisis mode and I chose to withdraw my services from the client as it was clear to me that my contributions and expertise were not valued.

It was at this point that the self-doubt creeps in. It was certainly a big risk to withdraw services from a client when this is what I do for a living. It was even a bigger risk when I had evidence of a pattern of behaviour from this client when challenging situations occur and this would be seen as a challenge for this client. I ran the risk of losing this client in total but chose not be held hostage by revenue nor perceived threat that this client could wield some control over the success or otherwise of my business.

I did it. I withdrew my services and now I can confirm quite happily that life goes on. The oppression is gone and I feel liberated. Five days after the event the client and I did meet to discuss. We were polite and have found a way to move our relationship forward (outside of working together) which of course is a great outcome. Now, as one door closes I live in excited anticipation of how many new doors will open.

So, what did I learn? I learnt that conflict clues are evident and we need to find the courage to act on the clues as they arise. Could I have had a different outcome? Definitely, had I been able to confront the client and engage in authentic dialogue. I preach this stuff and yet I still found it difficult. So the biggest learning is that it is a lifelong approach and next time I will be better prepared to deal with any new conflicted situation and therefore create a different or better outcome. I know I have learnt – I felt the pain! I have grown.