“Sum Up Your Leadership in Six Words”

You can read it here on the Harvard Business web site.

It got me thinking… what would our story be if we had to determine it in six words or less?  That is, what words would I use to describe the essence of me?  Funnily, a bunch of *F* words sprung to mind:

Freedom, fun, fierce, fantastic, footloose, formerly, fellowship and friend were some … and then the following six word sentence came to me:

Fiercely, fantastic friendships, founded on freedom.

Hmmmm, yes nice. I like to think that the friendships I have and nurture are fiercely fantastic simply because there is no judgement involved. Friends have the freedom to express their view of the world and it is this diverse perspective that keeps us all engaged and interested.  Yes, nice!

Now tell me about you in exactly six words.

What sentence best determines the essence of you?

Have you ever considered that situations like these may simply be forcing you out of your comfort zone? 

We all have our comfort zones although, different for each of us.  Sit back, close your eyes and with consciousness, think about how you feel when you choose to, or are forced, to step out of your comfort zone.

Do some, or all of the words in BLUE in the illustration below look and feel familiar to you?

If you have answered yes, then rest assured you are not alone. 

It is common for us all to feel some or all of these emotions when confronted with situations that take us out of our comfort zone.  When we are out of our comfort zone, we hit our TERROR zone and whilst in this zone our feelings manifest into behaviours; and not all of them are positive.  The words in BLUE in the above illustration describe emotions; how we might be feeling.  The words in RED describe the potential resultant behaviours. 

For example, these feelings can provoke different behaviours such as aggression – where we lash out at others; sabotage – where we actively work against the situation being presented; or withdrawal – where we simply do not engage in the process – which can also be seen as sabotage.

So understanding that these feelings are normal is the first part of learning.  The next step is learning how to deal with these emotions whilst in our terror zone, so that they manifest in positive behaviours.

Stephen Covey has a good take on this.  In his writings on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he talks about “Between Stimulus and Response” in Habit 1 – Be Proactive. 

In essence he is saying we all experience events that provide some sort of stimuli (like being outside of your comfort zone or having your buttons pushed).  However it is the responses or choices we make when we are stimulated that stand us head and shoulders above the rest.  He is saying that we can choose to to react or we can learn more planned and thoughtful responses.   The choice is in being aware of having choices and that we do not have to defer to the situation or circumstance.  He says the more distance we can put between the stimulus and whether we react or respond, then the more proactive and less reactive we become. 

It is simply the act of acknowledging we are “out of our comfort zone” and reflecting on the emotions we are feeling, that becomes the first step in our learning.  Then, the second step is to move beyond our terror zone and learn to control our emotions to ensure positive behaviours are demonstrated.

So next time you in a meeting, information or learning session, and you are sitting there ‘rolling your eyes’ and grunting that this is a ‘waste of time’ (sabotage) or not participating or being disruptive by challenging everything that is being said – analyse why you are behaving that way?  Is it simply, you are being pushed outside your comfort zone?  If you respond with yes, then your next action is about choice.  You can choose to acknowledge your feelings and own your discomfort and learn and grow or you can choose to stay in your comfort zone and do whatever it is you have always done.

REMEMBER:  there is no comfort in learning and no learning in comfort. 

Without authenticity a leader, well actually anyone … could hoodwink others into believing you had their interests at heart when in fact you were simply displaying charismatic qualities whilst leaning on the side of self interest.

It got me thinking where do you draw the line between a little white lie and deception? Is a little white lie equal to deception when it comes to being authentic? How important is it to be authentic?

According to dictionary.com the definition of authentic is not false or copied; genuine; real. The following words are synonyms for authentic – real, honest, ethical, genuine, true. So bring the definition and synonyms together the question is, how important is it to be genuine, real, honest, not false or copied, genuine, true?

As I write this, I am beginning to better understand the complex nature of this topic and the myriad of issues that are subsequently unravelling around me. Authenticity is a values judgement. And of course as human beings, we don’t all hold the same values.

If honesty, is a deeply held value of mine then a white lie is going to be seen as deception. If achievement is someone else’s value and to achieve means spin a yarn to gain the desired outcome then a little white lie is potentially harmless – or is it? If you spin one little white lie, how many more could there be? I am now thinking that the little white lie, no matter what your take on it, is linked to trust. Trust, whether in a business or personal setting is definitely a deal maker or a deal breaker.

I recently met a very nice person who, as it turned out fibbed about their age? And I have got to say, I know of many people who do this, but I am wondering why? Why is it we are not happy to be whom and what we are? Why do we think that a version of us will make us more lovable, enjoyable, employable and acceptable?

And this I believe is the crux of this pondering.

To be authentic means to have consciously studied self and accept where self fits and what self has to offer. Authenticity means being able to look in the mirror and see prince charming or snow white, warts and all; it means seeing and accepting the beauty of what is looking back. It means not having to expend energy on living the version for that becomes exhausting.

To be authentic, is to be real.  It is hard to find good explanation of real in this sense for you not only see real, you feel it.

When you are around authentic people you feel energised; you feed off each other, it is a mutually satisfying experience applicable to the workplace and to life in general.

To be or not to be … is a choice … and I choose to be. 

What about you?

Ken Keys writes -

how soon will you realise that the only thing you don’t have is the direct experience; that there’s nothing you need, that you don’t have?

Abraham Maslow, of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs fame says that we all have levels of need and that only when one level is met can we move onto the next and then through all levels to achieve ‘self actualisation.’

His model is a five-staged approach with the most basic of our needs being physiological. In simplistic terms, this first stage is about life needs, such as food, water and shelter. Once this need is met we then look to be safe and know we have security. This may be work, love, financial security as well as ensuring we are physically safe through living in environments that have law, order and structure. From there we move into family, love, friends, affection and belonging both in a person, professional and community setting. When that need is met we look more inward around personal and professional achievement, status, responsibility and reputation and then the last need transcends all else and is about seeking personal growth and fulfilment and it may or may not be tied to the other needs. Often, at this level we may want to be independent of the world and wish to exist above and apart from material possessions.

Sounds simple? Often however, pursuit of these needs creates the very opposite of the original intent. Where we strive to meet our basic physiological needs we burden ourselves financially which ultimately confines and limits our ability to live life. For example, I may have my house or apartment but my loan repayments are so high I am just surviving, leaving my other needs around social belonging and self esteem un-met. I may be in a soul-destroying job that is providing me with plenty of money to meet my physiological and safety needs, but is so depressing it is having an adverse affect on my social belonging need and not providing me with opportunity to meet my self esteem and self actualisation needs.

What to do? The answer is balance and perspective.

Maslow intended his model to help managers identify that a team member cannot be a team player (level 3) if his house is about to be re-possessed (level 2) and a sales person can’t be
motivated to achieve targets (level 4) when they’re having problems with their marriage (level 3).

It is however, equally useful for determining where we are at in our lives, to help decide how we might want to be doing something different or better.

For me, I am definitely at levels 4 & 5, having many times in the past worked through levels 1 – 3. That is, life for me all is about love (deep, romantic love) and seeking achievement, status, reputation, personal growth and fulfilment. What I have come to realise though, is that in my current state I have confined myself to survival mode at levels 1 & 2 through being tied to a level of money to maintain my current lifestyle. And don’t think I don’t get that last statement is all about my EGO. You see, I have a lifestyle and one that I have potentially linked to my-Self. So, if my lifestyle was to change what would that say about me, what would that do to me?

It begs the question ‘how many of us see ourselves as the job we do, or the level of money we earn, or the status trappings we have; the flash car (s), the big house, the bigger toys, the bling, the holidays.” This mindset I think, keeps us in level 3 of Maslow’s hierarchy, and not always for the right reasons.

So in order for me to follow my dreams, live my passion and find my mojo, I have come to the realisation that I need to let go of my EGO, and in doing so re-think my lifestyle. This may be temporary or it may be permanent, I don’t know yet but the one thing I do know is, if I don’t do something different, I will just keep getting the same.

I have decided when I wake up tomorrow, I will put into play some strategies that will support my endeavours to realise ‘self-actualisation’ and have faith that the choices I make will support my future and my mojo will return, double-strength. I have everything I need; I just need to re-arrange how it is presented. Here’s to tomorrow.

Be afraid of nothing –
you have within you
all wisdom
all power
all strength
all understanding
~ Eileen Caddy

I realise that this is not life threatening, not for me anyway. I am able to rationally think through situations like these and plot a path of recovery. But that is not to say, I can’t wallow in self pity, sulk, feel sorry for myself and whinge about the situation; all of which I did with my colleague and friend in Melbourne.

I want my solo life and for that to happen the EX and I need to resolve our financials. I have put the house on the market for sale and removed it; I have put the house into the corporate leasing market and removed it also. So just when I had reconciled myself to staying in the house and enjoying it as I intended when I embarked on the renovations a couple of years back, I suddenly find myself in the predicament of not having a guaranteed source of income. This is pretty amazing, as I have never been in this situation ever, so it begs the question “why now?”

You would have heard me say on many occasions “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up” so I think perhaps that this is the universe saying to me ‘well, if you can’t figure it, we’ll push you along and insist you start finding your way.’

I have become a big fan, or perhaps a better description is, addict of Twitter. Twitter is a messaging, come networking tool that allows you to stay connected with people (your followers) on-line. You tweet short messages, no longer than a 140 characters as frequently as you like, providing updates of what you are thinking or doing.

So I tweeted:

 “When one door shuts, another opens – right? So… Ok… I’m waiting.”

I am wondering if this is the start of my new life. That perhaps today is the day I will find the courage to embark on the life I am passionate about. I am not yet sure exactly what that passion is, although I do have an inkling, and perhaps any moment now I will gain that clarity?

Again, I tweeted:

 “Today is the first day of the rest of my new life; my mojo awaits.”

I have had two significant relationships end in a very short space of time; first, my long term personal relationship and now my six year client relationship. I am pondering ‘what is this about’ and potentially I think it is about having faith that what is happening right now is the right thing to happen and whilst I am feeling fragile I simply need to go with what is. My words are almost prophetic. A couple of weeks back I wrote on my Facebook Wall: ‘When life seems confusing, just go with what is.’ And here I am feeling fragile and trying to hold the faith that what is… is OK.

Having said that, as I sat back of room in the last workshop I will be facilitating for the client, I pondered my position, opened my notebook and wrote:

Time to get my shit together…

I am a writer, on-line marketer and business entrepreneur.
I can only fail, if I give up.

Do this:

1. Embark on BIG marketing campaign around all Lifelong Learning product and services
2. Build a focus on wellness / wellbeing
3. Learn to use the Business Contact Manager in Microsoft Office
4. Schedule public courses as part of brand building and marketing

John Demartini in his book ‘The breakthrough experience’ talks of acting now as if you have achieved your dream. He says articulate your vision through a model of BE – DO – HAVE. That is, what is it you want to be? How are you going to do that? And what will you have as a result of achieving this?

So for me:

BE:     

I am a WRITER; a syndicated writer for a column or piece in a newspaper or magazine; an author of books.

DO:            

Sell, hawk, tout my wares to newspapers, magazines, publishers; create a BIG on-line presence and find an agent.

HAVE:     

Freedom… to pursue life.

I am wondering when this comes to be, if I will look back and say thank you to the client for terminating my contract and pushing me to finally find my mojo?