be careful what you ask for

Who would have thought that 9 grains of rice could be so life changing!  I have often heard the words ‘be careful what you ask for’ and I now know the power of these six simple little words.

Have you ever noticed how life has a way of dishing up the lessons we need to learn just when we need to learn them?   So the Universe decided I needed to experience bullying, bitchy women which, I have got to say has been interesting to say the least.  I must confess that I had been asking for a project or a job that basically was a no-brainer. That is, a job that I could simply go to work, do my thing and come home.  Well, thank you universe that is exactly what I got, along with a couple of women who truly demonstrate narrow-minded, no-brainer at its best.  And just for the record, this is where ‘be careful what you ask for’ comes into play, because whilst it was what I asked for it was not actually my intent.

At first I was elated to have a longer term project in a sector of the resources industry that is booming, going off; one of the biggest projects in the entire world and I had scored myself a Guernsey – neat!  It was a role I could do standing on my head, so from about 2 weeks in it confused me as to why it seemed so hard; why did it feel like ‘I must be missing the point’ that there must be something I was not getting that everyone else on my team seemed to get?  I could not work it out, but the sense of not knowing or the sense of something not right was palpable.

For years I have built a career on relationships and authentic communication.  In fact, I often refer to myself as the communications queen so again it was confusing that for no apparent reason I could not seem to engage with the women on my team.  When I asked a question, I got very short snappy responses, like I was some absolute irritant asking really annoying stuff.  I would have thought that questions were a healthy means to embed a new starter into a role?

the BFFs became a fiercely formidable force

As I now analyse the situation I can see that as individuals they both have propensity for bitchiness and collectively they simply enabled each other.  They became BFFs very quickly; like attract like. And in no time it was obvious that they were a fiercely formidable force to reckon with as day after day I listened to their banter of gossip, put-downs, ridicule and just general mean spiritedness.  I realised also, that it would not be long before it would be my turn.  However, the thing about bullying is that it is not overt; the perpetrators are usually not brave enough to say anything to your face so it is the passive aggression that eats at you.  The not really knowing what the hell is going on but all the time feeling excluded, isolated and second guessing – is it really happening or perhaps it is just me, maybe I am an incompetent moron?

I was starting to get fed up.  It was not fun going to work.  If it weren’t for one particular person I had befriended as a sounding board I would have left weeks before I did.  I suggested to one of my team that perhaps it would be beneficial to have a weekly catch up to share and exchange information as at the weekly team meetings we only discussed the periphery?   The first week she cancelled, the second week she suggested the other woman participate also and in that get together I got a double dose, they both attacked my point of view.  We never had another and I was more confused by their behaviour than ever.  So this was the sum of my relationship with these women; seemingly polite but you could cut the air with a knife.  It was awful.  I received an award for a piece of work that I had done, and neither woman said a word. The silence was deafening.

I carefully counted out 9 grains of rice, and placed them under my doormat

So, what has all this got to do with 9 grains of rice?  Well, as I do … I started to lament to my friends and colleagues about this poohey contract I had taken and wished I hadn’t when one of my friends, who had just been through a bit of an upheaval herself said “my mum told me to get 9 grains of rice and put them under my doormat and then just sit back and wait for the tide to turn, the phones to ring.”  It worked for her so I went home, carefully counted out 9 grains of rice and placed them under mine. 

That was Sunday, and on waking up Monday morning I wished I didn’t have to go to work.  But of course I did and what happened that day was amazing – yes my phone rang with an offer to run a series of workshops for a client I had not done any work for in over 3 years.  I have to confess to giggling to myself, wondering if the 9 grains of rice really were working their magic but that was nothing compared to what was about to happen. 

just the narrow minded arrogance I needed to make choice

Later in the week,  a manager from another part of the business but who sat in the same area as me and the other women proceeded to tell me how he thought the way those women treated me was appalling; very hostile; very aggressive and it would be dealt with.  Well, that revelation opened up a very big can of worms for me, but in essence it all suddenly became clear.  Rather than me second guessing, he had validated what I had been feeling all this time and I now had absolute clarity; and along with that clarity, came the realisation just how intolerable my situation was.   The following day at the regular team meet the notion of ‘tension in the team’ was brought up.  During that interaction, it became obvious to me that we had got, or yes … I had got to a point of no return.  The epiphany for me was hearing the words ‘you don’t have time to engage with stakeholders’ – this was just the narrow-minded arrogance I needed to make choice.

I realised then it wasn’t the situation I found intolerable, I liked my job and I did indeed, engage well with stakeholders, it was the women in my team; I found the women intolerable.  I do not relate to any human that is incapable of respecting a fellow human. I realised this was a values clash.  I was in a team where one woman thinks it is her right AND thinks it is funny to ridicule others and the other is simply a sad victim of life, where the only way to get your point across is through aggression and over-use of the fuck word – oh and to train your dogs, by kicking them up the arse [her words]!  I realised that these women live in a world of black and white, I see life as many shades of grey.  I get their need is to be right and therefore everyone else, including me is wrong!

I came, I experienced, I learnt the lesson and I chose to move on.

The 9 grains of rice, obviously metaphor for having the courage to pursue in life that which is important and having the courage to remove from life, that which is not.  Perhaps there is also some actual magic in the rice as my phones are ringing, options are boundless and the stress from the effects of bullying behaviour, gone! 

Aaahhh the lessons of life … I never tire of the validation that this is lifelong learning at its best. 

Friday nights are always fun; full of fabulous people indulging in friendship and frivolity but then add footy to the mix and yep, Friday night goes off, it becomes a frenetic mix of folly and fervour.

I have always had a thing for the colour purple so it was easy for me to become a Fremantle Dockers  fan and given I am a new footy fan, being drawn to the colour first then the game was an OK choice.  I just love the ‘prettiness’ of the sea of purple when all the fans gather and I love the vibe that footy Friday creates in Subi.

It is interesting to watch, this mix of folly and fervour. The silliness of dress-ups, coupled with the passion of the people for the sport creates a vibe that is electric if not somewhat ritualistic. Yes, footy is a rite of passage for our men, indoctrinated as early as age 5 through Auskick.  Yes, I understand that Auskick is available to both genders, but let’s face it – footy (or sport) is to boys as lunch (or shopping) is to girls; both rituals, that start at a very young age.  See my Lunch with the Girls story.

Friday footy certainly brings out the men; usually in packs, almost all decked out in ceremonial colour, holding and waving the ritualistic paraphernalia, AKA – midi of beer.  There is nothing more lovable than seeing this play out; dads with their mini me’s, the women (out with their men) that got, very early on in the relationship that true love is about understanding the bond between man and his ritual, the nanna’s and granddads dutifully weaving the second generation into the ritual and the young-uns – male and female – that simply like to mix the vibe of sport with their favourite other sport — drinking; all in all a very special sight to see.  And I do understand the need to play down alcohol and sport but let’s be real; Aussies and alcohol have been flirting for a lifetime!

So here we are, out and about on a footy Friday night. I am standing with my back against the wall, shoulder to shoulder in the front bar, waiting for my friends to arrive when a body decides to simply plonk in front of me, relegating me to a position of back stalls, which is not really the intent of being in a packed bar and certainly not when being visible is necessary when waiting for friends to arrive.  I was slightly puzzled by this move and rather bemused, so I dutifully tapped him on the shoulder and suggested he move along; well if looks could kill ..?    So, my first ever encounter with a grumpy person.  It may be that he was not a footy fan, and the sheer intensity of footy fever was too much for him.  He was alone, seemingly no friends or perhaps he was lost and in search of his friends.  Either which way, do not … I repeat … do not stand in front of me making me invisible in a bar full of people on a footy Friday night! 

The friends finally arrive and the bubbles flow … the footy crowd thins out as the game commences only to return once the game is done.  It is interesting when Friday in Subi is your regular hang-out and you are used to flitting in and out of various venues only to find on footy night it all changes through sheer numbers.  We went to eat dinner only to find on our return – queues!  Queues of people trying to gain access to all our favourite night spots! And not just little queues but queues a mile long.  Bummer, this is the down-side and perhaps even a slightly irritating by-product of footy Friday; I mean what is the point of having all these extra interesting people, if you can’t get into a venue to enjoy? 

So, footy Friday night became a bit of a fizzer.  I don’t do queues, so I was home and snugly tucked up in bed by a civilised if not somewhat early 10:30pm with the comfort of knowing however, that my Dockers membership is on the way.  So next season here I come. Rather than soak in the atmosphere from a distance, I will be at the actual game in regalia splendour (something deliciously purple), and if the timing is right I will be indulging in both rituals: lunch first, followed by the game – oh, yeah … nice!

Friday night here I come! I had stayed in for the last couple of weeks and was champing at the bit to get out and about. So there I was, standing in a bar in a trendy part of town, chatting and laughing with the girls, eyeing the crowd hoping that someone interesting might be there also, and yup there he was. It’s funny don’t you think, that in a crowded bar there is always that one person that stands out? He certainly had the look; the right physical build, tall and cute with glasses. I watched as he walked to the far side of the room out of sight, so I suggested to the girls we move also but when I went to look for him, nothing, no-where, not to be found. Damn, I thought, he must have left.

On the return from the hunt for this rather gorgeous man we walked back to the other side of the room and I, quite literally nearly fell over him. In my surprise, I asked rather reticently, if it was OK to park myself next to where he was standing. He said ‘of course’ and waived me in to the piece of wall next to him.

I stood leaning against the wall wondering how I could get to talk without it appearing too ridiculously forward. As I pondered this, I realised I was feeling quite nervous and unsure, so I decided to simply go for broke and face him head on. I turned toward him, looked him in the eye and said ‘hi, what brings you here tonight?’ As it turned out, he was from Sydney, a writer – over here to do a piece on the rugby match that was playing the following night – and … very happily married. Bummer about the married bit but hey, out of all the people in the bar that night, I was bemused by the fact that I had honed in on and met a writer!

I see myself as a writer and told him so. He was great, just what I needed. In no more than fifteen minutes he had given me great words of encouragement, said writing was a way of life second to nothing, full of excitement, travel and ‘fancy getting paid to do something you really love.’ He writes a regular column for an Australian city based newspaper and has had several books published. So how fortuitous was that meeting?

Earlier in the night I had been speaking with another man, responding to the usual ‘so what do you do’ type question. I mentioned I was a writer and he proceeded to tell me how hard that must be and rattled off a synopsis of a book by George Orwell that detailed his life as a down and out un-published writer living on the bones of his arse in Paris, France. He then went on to tell me that in a previous life he worked in the music industry and the number of aspiring artists that would submit CDs of their musical talent only to have them end up in some executives rubbish bin because of the enormity of the task, which must be the same for writers, right? You would be just one of many he asked quizzically with that ‘you’re not really serious are you’ type of tone and look?

I listened politely as I understood he was simply sharing his perspective of life and that a career in writing, along with any type of musical leaning is considered by most, risky.

Many of us choose to play it safe and many more of us choose to listen to people who choose to play it safe and limit ourselves to a life of mediocre ho-hum to please others.

I stood in a crowded bar on a Friday night and fortuitously met a writer who confirmed for me that to pursue your passion is the only way to live your life!

It reminds me of the Humphrey Bogart line in Casablanca “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine. …”

Just when I thought I was starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, bam! I get a huge jolt to the core of my very being by having my stable monthly source of income terminated. It was on the cards but I had it on good authority, or so I thought that I had until the end of the year before it would actually eventuate. So to have it happen almost out of the blue and so soon has sent me into a huge spin and left me feeling extremely fragile. So what does a grown woman do, when she is feeling like this? Well, sulk… of course!

I realise that this is not life threatening, not for me anyway. I am able to rationally think through situations like these and plot a path of recovery. But that is not to say, I can’t wallow in self pity, sulk, feel sorry for myself and whinge about the situation; all of which I did with my colleague and friend in Melbourne.

I want my solo life and for that to happen the EX and I need to resolve our financials. I have put the house on the market for sale and removed it; I have put the house into the corporate leasing market and removed it also. So just when I had reconciled myself to staying in the house and enjoying it as I intended when I embarked on the renovations a couple of years back, I suddenly find myself in the predicament of not having a guaranteed source of income. This is pretty amazing, as I have never been in this situation ever, so it begs the question “why now?”

You would have heard me say on many occasions “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up” so I think perhaps that this is the universe saying to me ‘well, if you can’t figure it, we’ll push you along and insist you start finding your way.’

I have become a big fan, or perhaps a better description is, addict of Twitter. Twitter is a messaging, come networking tool that allows you to stay connected with people (your followers) on-line. You tweet short messages, no longer than a 140 characters as frequently as you like, providing updates of what you are thinking or doing.

So I tweeted:

 “When one door shuts, another opens – right? So… Ok… I’m waiting.”

I am wondering if this is the start of my new life. That perhaps today is the day I will find the courage to embark on the life I am passionate about. I am not yet sure exactly what that passion is, although I do have an inkling, and perhaps any moment now I will gain that clarity?

Again, I tweeted:

 “Today is the first day of the rest of my new life; my mojo awaits.”

I have had two significant relationships end in a very short space of time; first, my long term personal relationship and now my six year client relationship. I am pondering ‘what is this about’ and potentially I think it is about having faith that what is happening right now is the right thing to happen and whilst I am feeling fragile I simply need to go with what is. My words are almost prophetic. A couple of weeks back I wrote on my Facebook Wall: ‘When life seems confusing, just go with what is.’ And here I am feeling fragile and trying to hold the faith that what is… is OK.

Having said that, as I sat back of room in the last workshop I will be facilitating for the client, I pondered my position, opened my notebook and wrote:

Time to get my shit together…

I am a writer, on-line marketer and business entrepreneur.
I can only fail, if I give up.

Do this:

1. Embark on BIG marketing campaign around all Lifelong Learning product and services
2. Build a focus on wellness / wellbeing
3. Learn to use the Business Contact Manager in Microsoft Office
4. Schedule public courses as part of brand building and marketing

John Demartini in his book ‘The breakthrough experience’ talks of acting now as if you have achieved your dream. He says articulate your vision through a model of BE – DO – HAVE. That is, what is it you want to be? How are you going to do that? And what will you have as a result of achieving this?

So for me:

BE:     

I am a WRITER; a syndicated writer for a column or piece in a newspaper or magazine; an author of books.

DO:            

Sell, hawk, tout my wares to newspapers, magazines, publishers; create a BIG on-line presence and find an agent.

HAVE:     

Freedom… to pursue life.

I am wondering when this comes to be, if I will look back and say thank you to the client for terminating my contract and pushing me to finally find my mojo?

Feedback… of course… where was your head at?  Feedback is so important for us to truly gain a sense of who we are, by validating our view of self through others.

Mirror, mirror on the wall; do I see me warts and all?

I have been telling this version of the Snow White story for many years now. It is a true story about me.  You see I used to look in my mirror and see Snow White. I saw myself as a results-oriented hard worker; a people-person who was fun to be around. What I didn’t see was how others viewed me. To them I was obsessed with work and winning; aggressively task-oriented through driving people; and as for fun, it was on my terms only.

So where I saw Snow White, others saw Wicked Witch of the West. What a shock when someone finally decided to share this with me. My immediate reaction of course was deny – blame – justify.  Deny that I was anything other than sweetness and light, blame anyone and everyone else, because if I behaved in a certain way it was because *they* made me and justify my position on some basis, because it was important for me to protect my EGO, my view of me.  Wow, what a bitter pill to swallow! But as my mother would say, “Where there is smoke there is usually fire.”

So I took some time to reflect on the feedback I had just received, and so my journey of self discovery and creating congruence between my inner and outer self began.

To get a sense of how you feel about feedback ask yourself ‘do you like to give it?’  If your answer is no then more than likely you don’t like to receive it either.  Feedback has to be reciprocal.  That is, if you provide feedback to others you must be prepared also to receive it.  Most of us think that feedback is confrontational, perhaps even negative.  However, feedback is simply a method of gaining clarity around our behaviours and attitudes. 

For example, I might see myself as a shy retiring sort of person that doesn’t like to get in people’s way.  So this translates into me arriving at work each morning without bothering my fellow workers and settling into my desk and computer and starting my day.  What my fellow workers see however is someone that is aloof, maybe a little arrogant (what! can’t even say good morning or hello) and potentially someone who is not a team player and doesn’t care; and all of these statements have the potential for becoming powerful limiting career options.  All that has to happen in this instance is for someone to tell me, and usually when the feedback is received it is received graciously because most of us are not aware how we behave or more importantly how our behaviours are perceived.  I would have been mortified to hear that I was perceived as aloof and not a team player as I was mortified when I was actually told I was aggressive and steam-rolling over my team! 

I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand that I was perceived in that way and most of us are the same.  We don’t like feedback because we see it as personal.  That is, I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I won’t tell him the team think he should not be on the project because he won’t speak out at meetings.   If we look at that last sentence in terms of ‘I don’t want to hurt his feelings’, how arrogant is that?  How arrogant for us to think that another person is not capable of receiving feedback. So rather than show compassion and inform the person, we say and do nothing and again potentially limit that person’s career.

When providing feedback we should look at the performance or the behaviour NOT wrap the person up with it.  That is, rather than make comments like “Henry, you are lazy and have a poor attitude toward your job.”  Re-frame the feedback to be specific and say “Henry, you have been 15 minutes late for the last three mornings. Please explain why.”

The key to feedback is to remember:

‘We may not remember what was said,
but we will always remember how it made us feel’