2010 was an interesting year for me; I have called it my *gap year.*  A year of just doing whatever as a means to assist in deciding what I want to be when I grow up.  I have been using those words for nearly 2 years now so I am thinking it is time to get my act together; it is time to stop treading water and make 2011 the year that I create the life I truly desire.  

In 2010: -

• I moved house
• I mourned the loss of a great colleague
• I tried on-line dating
• I introduced friends to each other who fell in love
• I landed the dream contract
• I facilitated some fantastic workshops; and
• I bought myself a scooter

So all in all, 2010 was not a bad gap year.  So what did I learn?

I learned that: -

• Letting go of old limitations really is very useful
• I value freedom and creativity in work
• Life should definitely be lived like there is no tomorrow
• On-line dating feels more like a job interview than a chance for romance and I felt more like a none paid counsellor than a prospective date
• Love is a random act and it is beautiful to watch when it plays out before your very eyes
• Dream work opportunities are there to be grabbed and I really am very damn good at what I do
• I am not only a left over hippy but also a left over biker chook.  And whilst I wouldn’t feel safe riding a motor bike, a 50cc scooter is a hoot
• I am capable and love the fact that I now no longer have the need or desire to try to *fix* people when they are broken
• We must all listen to what others say AND most importantly believe them

These small observations further validate the whole lifelong learning thing for me.  No matter what, life always dishes up the learning; we just simply need to be open to learning the lesson. 

Bring on 2011 in all its glory, the gap year is over and I am ready to roll.

What did you learn in 2010 AND most importantly what will you bring into 2011?

Mirror, mirror on the wall; do I see me warts and all?

I have been telling this version of the Snow White story for many years now. It is a true story about me.  You see I used to look in my mirror and see Snow White. I saw myself as a results-oriented hard worker; a people-person who was fun to be around. What I didn’t see was how others viewed me. To them I was obsessed with work and winning; aggressively task-oriented through driving people; and as for fun, it was on my terms only.

So where I saw Snow White, others saw Wicked Witch of the West. What a shock when someone finally decided to share this with me. My immediate reaction of course was deny – blame – justify.  Deny that I was anything other than sweetness and light, blame anyone and everyone else, because if I behaved in a certain way it was because *they* made me and justify my position on some basis, because it was important for me to protect my EGO, my view of me.  Wow, what a bitter pill to swallow! But as my mother would say, “Where there is smoke there is usually fire.”

So I took some time to reflect on the feedback I had just received, and so my journey of self discovery and creating congruence between my inner and outer self began.

To get a sense of how you feel about feedback ask yourself ‘do you like to give it?’  If your answer is no then more than likely you don’t like to receive it either.  Feedback has to be reciprocal.  That is, if you provide feedback to others you must be prepared also to receive it.  Most of us think that feedback is confrontational, perhaps even negative.  However, feedback is simply a method of gaining clarity around our behaviours and attitudes. 

For example, I might see myself as a shy retiring sort of person that doesn’t like to get in people’s way.  So this translates into me arriving at work each morning without bothering my fellow workers and settling into my desk and computer and starting my day.  What my fellow workers see however is someone that is aloof, maybe a little arrogant (what! can’t even say good morning or hello) and potentially someone who is not a team player and doesn’t care; and all of these statements have the potential for becoming powerful limiting career options.  All that has to happen in this instance is for someone to tell me, and usually when the feedback is received it is received graciously because most of us are not aware how we behave or more importantly how our behaviours are perceived.  I would have been mortified to hear that I was perceived as aloof and not a team player as I was mortified when I was actually told I was aggressive and steam-rolling over my team! 

I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand that I was perceived in that way and most of us are the same.  We don’t like feedback because we see it as personal.  That is, I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I won’t tell him the team think he should not be on the project because he won’t speak out at meetings.   If we look at that last sentence in terms of ‘I don’t want to hurt his feelings’, how arrogant is that?  How arrogant for us to think that another person is not capable of receiving feedback. So rather than show compassion and inform the person, we say and do nothing and again potentially limit that person’s career.

When providing feedback we should look at the performance or the behaviour NOT wrap the person up with it.  That is, rather than make comments like “Henry, you are lazy and have a poor attitude toward your job.”  Re-frame the feedback to be specific and say “Henry, you have been 15 minutes late for the last three mornings. Please explain why.”

The key to feedback is to remember:

‘We may not remember what was said,
but we will always remember how it made us feel’

I have always had a thing for the colour purple so it was easy for me to become a Fremantle Dockers  fan and given I am a new footy fan, being drawn to the colour first then the game was an OK choice.  I just love the ‘prettiness’ of the sea of purple when all the fans gather and I love the vibe that footy Friday creates in Subi.

It is interesting to watch, this mix of folly and fervour. The silliness of dress-ups, coupled with the passion of the people for the sport creates a vibe that is electric if not somewhat ritualistic. Yes, footy is a rite of passage for our men, indoctrinated as early as age 5 through Auskick.  Yes, I understand that Auskick is available to both genders, but let’s face it – footy (or sport) is to boys as lunch (or shopping) is to girls; both rituals, that start at a very young age.  See my Lunch with the Girls story.

Friday footy certainly brings out the men; usually in packs, almost all decked out in ceremonial colour, holding and waving the ritualistic paraphernalia, AKA – midi of beer.  There is nothing more lovable than seeing this play out; dads with their mini me’s, the women (out with their men) that got, very early on in the relationship that true love is about understanding the bond between man and his ritual, the nanna’s and granddads dutifully weaving the second generation into the ritual and the young-uns – male and female – that simply like to mix the vibe of sport with their favourite other sport — drinking; all in all a very special sight to see.  And I do understand the need to play down alcohol and sport but let’s be real; Aussies and alcohol have been flirting for a lifetime!

So here we are, out and about on a footy Friday night. I am standing with my back against the wall, shoulder to shoulder in the front bar, waiting for my friends to arrive when a body decides to simply plonk in front of me, relegating me to a position of back stalls, which is not really the intent of being in a packed bar and certainly not when being visible is necessary when waiting for friends to arrive.  I was slightly puzzled by this move and rather bemused, so I dutifully tapped him on the shoulder and suggested he move along; well if looks could kill ..?    So, my first ever encounter with a grumpy person.  It may be that he was not a footy fan, and the sheer intensity of footy fever was too much for him.  He was alone, seemingly no friends or perhaps he was lost and in search of his friends.  Either which way, do not … I repeat … do not stand in front of me making me invisible in a bar full of people on a footy Friday night! 

The friends finally arrive and the bubbles flow … the footy crowd thins out as the game commences only to return once the game is done.  It is interesting when Friday in Subi is your regular hang-out and you are used to flitting in and out of various venues only to find on footy night it all changes through sheer numbers.  We went to eat dinner only to find on our return – queues!  Queues of people trying to gain access to all our favourite night spots! And not just little queues but queues a mile long.  Bummer, this is the down-side and perhaps even a slightly irritating by-product of footy Friday; I mean what is the point of having all these extra interesting people, if you can’t get into a venue to enjoy? 

So, footy Friday night became a bit of a fizzer.  I don’t do queues, so I was home and snugly tucked up in bed by a civilised if not somewhat early 10:30pm with the comfort of knowing however, that my Dockers membership is on the way.  So next season here I come. Rather than soak in the atmosphere from a distance, I will be at the actual game in regalia splendour (something deliciously purple), and if the timing is right I will be indulging in both rituals: lunch first, followed by the game – oh, yeah … nice!

I actually think I was crying for all of the above.   I was mourning for something that was no longer.

Seeing the empty spaces in my house was a very real visual that he was gone, along with some of my / our stuff.  I was sad for what coulda, shoulda been.  Why couldn’t he love me?  Why couldn’t he support and nurture me?  Why couldn’t / didn’t we have stuff in common?  Why were we not friends, lovers, confidantes, mates – we should have been?  And yes, I was happy – albeit sobbing – with relief that it was finally over, finally done.  He had moved out.  I could now move on.

I woke the next day feeling exhausted but at peace.  I knew I had a choice.  I could choose to wallow in sadness or I could embrace the new day as a new beginning and get on with life.  I chose the latter and bid farewell to that part of my life.  The next few days saw a new energy build in me.  I felt happy, and I hadn’t been happy for a long time.  I could feel the old me returning; the me with zest and resolve to live the second half of life way different to the first.

This year has been a year of endings; just about everything I knew and did stopped being, it all ended.  Overall, the year has been quite stressful so I am more than happy to bid it farewell.  So as the year draws to a close I find myself reflecting on the lessons presented and what I learned.  I came up with the following which I have called:

- 20 tips to make life more rewarding:

Tip # 1: create and communicate a compelling and shared vision of the future

Tip # 2: make the vision yours by living today as if you have achieved it

Tip # 3: be excited, enthused and optimistic about your vision

Tip # 4: be open to creative problem-solving: think outside the box

Tip # 5: remember feedback is just that; not an excuse to argue

Tip # 6: when holding onto beliefs ask yourself ‘how is that working for me?’

Tip # 7: re-think ideas and problems

Tip # 8: the first sign of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome

Tip # 9: always ask yourself ‘what role am I playing’ in this situation

Tip # 10: share information, dreams, hopes and concerns always

Tip # 11: let those around you know you appreciate them

Tip # 12: say thank you and I love you often

Tip # 13: smile in the face of adversity, for adversity is only a state of mind

Tip # 14: when moving forward and having to take two steps backward, remember to breathe, and then smile

Tip # 15: ponder all the possibilities amid your potential for it is we, not others that limit us

Tip # 16: Henry Ford once said ‘if you think you can, you will; if you think you can’t, you won’t’

Tip # 17: some see an answer for every problem; others see a problem for every answer

Tip # 18: we are all human beings; we should allow our humans to be

Tip # 19: when life seems difficult, just go with what is

Tip #20: whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it now!

Let me know your thoughts.  What was the year like for you, what did you learn?

On the return from the hunt for this rather gorgeous man we walked back to the other side of the room and I, quite literally nearly fell over him. In my surprise, I asked rather reticently, if it was OK to park myself next to where he was standing. He said ‘of course’ and waived me in to the piece of wall next to him.

I stood leaning against the wall wondering how I could get to talk without it appearing too ridiculously forward. As I pondered this, I realised I was feeling quite nervous and unsure, so I decided to simply go for broke and face him head on. I turned toward him, looked him in the eye and said ‘hi, what brings you here tonight?’ As it turned out, he was from Sydney, a writer – over here to do a piece on the rugby match that was playing the following night – and … very happily married. Bummer about the married bit but hey, out of all the people in the bar that night, I was bemused by the fact that I had honed in on and met a writer!

I see myself as a writer and told him so. He was great, just what I needed. In no more than fifteen minutes he had given me great words of encouragement, said writing was a way of life second to nothing, full of excitement, travel and ‘fancy getting paid to do something you really love.’ He writes a regular column for an Australian city based newspaper and has had several books published. So how fortuitous was that meeting?

Earlier in the night I had been speaking with another man, responding to the usual ‘so what do you do’ type question. I mentioned I was a writer and he proceeded to tell me how hard that must be and rattled off a synopsis of a book by George Orwell that detailed his life as a down and out un-published writer living on the bones of his arse in Paris, France. He then went on to tell me that in a previous life he worked in the music industry and the number of aspiring artists that would submit CDs of their musical talent only to have them end up in some executives rubbish bin because of the enormity of the task, which must be the same for writers, right? You would be just one of many he asked quizzically with that ‘you’re not really serious are you’ type of tone and look?

I listened politely as I understood he was simply sharing his perspective of life and that a career in writing, along with any type of musical leaning is considered by most, risky.

Many of us choose to play it safe and many more of us choose to listen to people who choose to play it safe and limit ourselves to a life of mediocre ho-hum to please others.

I stood in a crowded bar on a Friday night and fortuitously met a writer who confirmed for me that to pursue your passion is the only way to live your life!

It reminds me of the Humphrey Bogart line in Casablanca “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine. …”