Today, I encountered a fellow walker who, rather than look at me, smile and mutter a good morning, fiddled with his ear phones, kept eyes to the ground and walked right on past me.  How rude, I thought.  And I have to confess to also feeling quite miffed, which when you think about it is strange given this person was, and still is a total stranger!  As I continued to walk, I realised my encounter was not dissimilar to many in the workplace.

It got me thinking about how …

everything we say, or do not say, and everything we do, or do not do, communicates something. 

I recall many conversations I have had over the years concerning workplace relationships (and really this can relate to ALL relationships) where an action (or inaction) has led to conflict simply because we interpret ALL actions through our own frame of reference.  And this is exactly what happened in terms of my encounter with the walker; he did not abide by the exercise code!  That is, in my frame of reference, I have an exercise code that expects I will be acknowledged, as I acknowledge all those that are out exercising; and he did not!

I remember a few years back having a conversation with a newly appointed manager who was struggling with his role.  He shared with me how he was a fairly quiet sort of a bloke and that he didn’t want to be a micro manager, so he was happy to let his team be.  He said he would come to work in the morning and not want to bother anyone so he would slip quietly into his office, confident that if anyone needed him they would come and ask for his assistance.  Sound reasonable?  Perhaps, except when you hear the opposing story from his team.  Their spin was a guy who didn’t care, came to work every morning without acknowledging anyone, aloof, unapproachable and isn’t a manager’s foot – well that is my take, you can insert as many expletives in that last comment as you see fit. 

This topic is very much in my consciousness at the moment as I am doing a piece of work around coaching and developing a training team for continuous improvement.  A comment was made by one of the trainers that you can’t possibly run a communication competency piece over an eight (8) hour duration; three (3) would be the maximum and even then that is too long!  I initially thought he was joking but very quickly realised he was not! 

I often ask participants of my sessions to identify characteristics  –

•  of effective relationships, leaders, teams, trainers
•  of contributing factors to incidents and accidents
•  of project failures and successes
•  of likeability; that is, what determines whether we like someone or not!

Without hesitation, I always get a resounding “communication” as the key response, but do we ever really stop to ponder what communication truly is?

I get the sense that most of us believe because we have two ears and can hear and a mouth and can speak that we communicate? Sadly, my observations over many years confirm this NOT to be true.  Even sadder however, is most of us don’t realise this and continually wonder why relationships go pear shape or why a simple communication ends in such conflict! 

Remember the line “everything we say, or do not say, everything we do, or do not do, communicartes something? 

Well, this is the underlying principle of communication — and pinned to this is the need for consciousness; to build awareness of the role we play in all interactions with others.

Communication starts on the inside.

Our communication style and our ability to interact effectively with others is set up by our values, beliefs and attitudes and some of these are not always known to us consciously, but play a big role when we interact with others.  You might not yet have created awareness of this but you would have felt it at some time.  It is that moment when the hairs on the back of your neck rise, you get a lump in your throat, your mouth goes dry, you want to cry, you get angry, you clench your fists? 

These are all indicators that the interaction you are having is about to go pear-shaped and in essence, most of us will –

• deny we contributed to the demise of the interaction in any way, shape or form;
•  simply blame the other person or persons – it was ALL their fault; and
• justify what happened in some way that suits our point of view and protects us from any liability. 

The D-B-Js — deny, blame, justify!

Now that I have started this topic it is way bigger than I can do justice to in one article so I am going to chunk it down into smaller pieces and dish it up to you periodicallly.

So, if this is of interest to you – stay tuned.  I will post several or many pieces and together we can explore this thing called communication!

Happy Learning …

 ”well if you don’t know where you are going, then any road will get you there.”

I shared the story of the biscuit barrel approach to priority (and time) management with the punters in the session.  It was appropriate also, as we were heading into a morning tea break where coffee, tea and biscuits would be on offer!  The story goes like this:

Are you a biscuit dunker?  Don’t you think there is something about a nice biscuit to perhaps ‘dunk’ in a refreshing cup of tea or strong hot coffee? It gives you time to reflect on your day, kick back, put your feet up for a moment, relax and savour the taste sensation of a biscuit that is not too soggy, but just right to melt in your mouth. In fact, there is also a bit of skill required to ensure you don’t leave it in the beverage for too long and have it simply break off before you can get it in your mouth! And maybe one bikkie isn’t enough. Maybe during your hot cuppa, a second trip to the barrel is required; take the lid off, put your hand in and choose another biscuit to savour with your cuppa and break.

Well, this story really has nothing to do with biscuits, or cups of tea or coffee. In fact this story will only have meaning, if you choose to engage in the thinking, and at this point I bring out an empty biscuit barrel.

Time Management theories have come and gone. And I am sure like you, over the years I had tried many of these and most had failed because of the sheer amount of time I needed to commit to the theory in order to save some time.

This approach however, actually caused me to stop and think about how I run my entire life. I mean the approach is not so much new, but the fact is this type of  opportunity to learn and approach a common task from a differnt perspective, presented to me multiple times,  in a short space of time!  This made me take note and drove me to actually do something that has had a profound effect on how I conduct my life now.

So, I created the biscuit barrel kit to use and demonstrate this thinking in my leadership programs around Time and Priority Management. You see, I think time management fails us a lot, simply because we are not clear about our priorities.  That is, what is most important to us.

The origins of the biscuit barrel approach maybe biblical as I have seen it in church sermons and newsletters; I have heard it called the Pickle Jar Theory, I have also seen it on the internet as lecturer’s notes to students and Stephen Covey uses the same story in his 7 Habits writings about ‘First things’ … and then of course there is the Australian version which uses beer!

How it works

Imagine an empty biscuit barrel or even better, go grab yourself one. I use a plastic tub with a lid you typically find in supermarkets.

Go find some large rocks, (garden / pond rocks will do the trick) and have some smaller pebbles on hand (crazy crab pebbles work just fine).

Biscuit barrel with the ‘small stuff’

Imagine the smaller pebbles are all those things that bog you down during the day; you know, those fire fighting tasks, the small stuff that distracts you from the important stuff, stresses you out and makes you feel like you haven’t achieved much. As you think of these types of activities, pour the smaller pebbles into your biscuit barrel so that it is roughly half full.

Large rocks – *Priorities*

Now grab 8 – 12 big rocks. Imagine these to be the stuff that is really important to you; your priorities. Label them if you can. My daughter helped me to paint mine different colours and then painted on the words. These could be things such as a major project, or a big opportunity with a new or existing client, or a publishing deadline, or debtor calls or a holiday with your family.

Now that you have identified your priorities, your job is to fit all of your big rocks into the biscuit barrel (yes, with the smaller pebbles already in there) without spilling over the rim. Impossible… I hear you say? Well, have a go and as you do, really observe what you are doing.

Like, you pick up a big rock and place it in your barrel, shoving it in as hard as you can. Or perhaps you start shuffling some of the little stuff out of the way, so you can fit in your big rock? Reflect on the comparisons to your life. How often do you shuffle the little stuff to ‘fit’ in what’s important? How often do you maybe forgo one of your big rocks, because the little stuff takes all your time and energy? Okay, well this is where we have to start to think a little differently. Take out your big rocks and empty your little pebbles into another container.

Big Rocks, first – little rocks second

Now with your barrel totally empty, place your big rocks in one at a time, stating out loud what each big rock represents to you. Once you have your big rocks in, now pour in your pebbles. Let the little stuff settle around your big rocks. Do you have some little stuff that doesn’t fit? Yes? Well, that’s the point, discard it. Learn to focus on what is really important – these are your big rocks.

There are a couple of variations on this approach. Once you have your big rocks and pebbles, you can also top up with sand and water. That is, take your full barrel and fill it with sand until you can’t possibly fit anymore in, and then add some water. Or the Australian version of this is to replace the water with a beer. The humour or learning point being… no matter how full your schedule, there is always time for a beer!

I am sure the significance of this exercise hasn’t escaped you. Each of us has our priorities – represented by the big rocks. We also have things which we enjoy doing, we have other things we have to do, and finally, we have the stuff that simply bogs us down so we often, can’t see the forrest for the trees – the little pebbles, sand and water!

Balance – focus on the activities that provide the right and best outcome

So, the moral to this story is to find balance, through identifying your big rocks; those activities that if you attend to consistently will produce marvellous results – and this is relevant to both your personal and professional life. Once you are clear about your priorities (big rocks) the smaller stuff either fits or simply becomes unimportant – and then voila – everything fits where it is supposed to fit.

So this is a story of self transformation; a transformative shift that manifests over time to create the life we desire.  Yet nothing has really changed except our own approach, reactions and responses!  I have learnt that if we alter our external circumstances an internal shift begins and conversely if we alter our internal patterns our external aligns. 

I remember a quote from Henry Ford that said ‘we are what we think’ — a simple statement yet a true and powerful change enabler.  The statement, the words ‘we are what we think’ underpins everything that happens in life for us! What I have discovered, find most interesting and now so liberating, is that most of us don’t really know what we truly think! 

That is, what are our inner most beliefs (thoughts) and how do those thoughts drive our usual patterns of behaviour?

I have discovered two distinct operating levels I believe to be within each of us. 

1. The first level is that of consciousness and control.  I think I am in control of my thoughts so therefore I am conscious of what I am thinking and how I am acting. 
2. The second level is that of reality and rule.  The reality is I have no idea of my inner most thoughts and I am totally clueless as to how that rules my behaviour.

An example of this in a professional setting is:  I think I am a specialist in my field and desire the next level of promotion and a certain amount of dollars in remuneration. I am in control of my thoughts.  I tell myself I am competent and capable, and I have consciousness around this thinking as I plan and plot for my promotion and the dollars that come with that.  Yet it doesn’t come.  Why not?

An example in a personal setting:  I think I am ready for a deep and meaningful relationship and desire a partner with the attributes I think support a union.  I am in control of my thoughts.  I tell myself I am ready and deserving of this.  I have consciousness around this thinking as I plan and plot for my perfect partner to enter into my life and the happiness that I am certain will come with that.  Yet it doesn’t come.  Why not?

These two examples are of level 1 consciousness and control thinking.  It feels positive.  It feels like ‘I am what I think.’  It feels like I am in control and it certainly feels conscious.  That is, I am conscious of my thoughts therefore I am aware of my internal thinking and assume it drives my external behaviours – or maybe at this point, we have never really stopped to think about our external behaviours? 

You see, a thought on its own is not sufficient.  A thought needs to drive us to action.  And the action needs to be in alignment with the thought, and most usually is which is why the thought is important – whatever that thought may be.

This is where level 2 reality and rule thinking comes in.  We think we are conscious and in control but the reality is, it is only superficial, we are simply pretending the thoughts and convincing ourselves that we really do mean it.

We need to start creating consciousness around some of the niggling, nagging doubts that enter into our thoughts also.  That is, thoughts like: ‘I am probably not really a contender for that promotion.’ ‘I will never be able to earn that kind of money.’ ‘That person would never be attracted to someone like me.’ ‘I would never be able to get up and speak in front of a crowd.’ ‘There is no way, I would be considered for that.’

It is the reality of these thoughts that then rule our behaviour :  ‘I am probably not really a contender for that promotion – therefore, I continue to get to work just that little bit late every day, and don’t file my monthly report until I am asked.’ ‘I will never be able to earn that kind of money – therefore continue to wear my scruffy cardigan and lace up runners to the office.’ ‘That person would never be attracted to someone like me – therefore I decline the offer of a dance or drink.’ ‘I would never be able to get up and speak in front of a crowd – therefore avoiding speaking opportunities and attending training.’ ‘There is no way, I would be considered for that – therefore I don’t take on the course of study, or readings to get across the subject matter.’

Let’s put it all together:

Level 1 consciousness and control: ‘I think I am a specialist in my field and desire the next level of promotion and a certain amount of dollars in remuneration. I am in control of my thoughts.  I tell myself I am competent and capable, and I have consciousness around this thinking as I plan and plot for my promotion and the dollars that come with that.

Level 2 reality and rule: ‘I am probably not really a contender for that promotion.’ ‘I will never be able to earn that kind of money.’  Therefore, I continue to get to work just that little bit late every day, don’t file my monthly report until I am asked and continue to wear my scruffy cardigan and lace up runners to the office.  Yet, if someone was to say to you ‘you are not really serious about this promotion are you’ I would hazard a guess you would defend your ‘yes, I am’ position (superficial consciousness) to the death.

Now if by chance you hear yourself saying or thinking something like ‘it is not that simple’ …  I have got to tell you it is!  It really is that simple.  The simplicity of it is what makes it so powerful.  It is simply better understanding our own patterns of belief and behaviours.  It is nothing more than listening to our thoughts and creating understanding as to how those thoughts are driving our actions.  Once we understand our thoughts, once we truly create consciousness around those thoughts then we can start to do something different, learn a new way of thinking and therefore doing.  This however, does take practice.  Initially we believe we operate at level 1, consciousness and control but it is simply superficial. We tell ourselves that is what we are doing and genuinely believe we are operating with consciousness but truth is we are just fooling ourselves.  We only discover this however, by truly analysing situations (patterns and behaviours) and realising our comfort operating level is reality and rule. So another layer is required and I believe this to be authenticity.  We have to be authentic when analysing ourselves. 

We all have the knowing, it is just being able to be authentic enough to own what we know.

So, I think it looks like this:

We start by believing we are conscious (Level 1) but the reality and behaviours that rule create the very opposite of what we are hoping to achieve.  So we start to analyse our *real* thoughts (Level 2) and identify the niggling, nagging patterns that are actually ruling our behaviour and decide to do something different (Level 3).

Operating at Level 3 with authenticity will feel different for you.  It is like a shift in your thinking that then provides a skip in your step.  It will likely manifest in you doing things like: getting to work on time, being proactive with your reporting commitments, buying that suit in order to dress the part, saying yes to all offers of dates because you get you probably have to kiss a few frogs until your prince or princess comes along, it is visualising your success with certainty.  It is affirming and declaring loudly ‘I am ….’

• I am a competent professional
• I am earning in excess of $xx [insert number of dollars here] per annum or better
• I am the manager of my department
• I am in a loving, secure relationship

It is about being able to see and feel the life you want to live and reprogramming your thoughts to create your reality and reprogramming your behaviours to support your thoughts and inner beliefs.

You have to identify and own your thoughts and behaviours (levels 1 and 2).  Then and only then do you become authentic (level 3). 

And let me tell you, authenticity is liberating!  It provides you with a sense of well being and achievement in everything you do that is all your own.  You get to live your truth.

Related topics:

Self-sabotage; Victim vs Victor; Life is all about choice; React vs Respond

Have you ever considered that situations like these may simply be forcing you out of your comfort zone? 

We all have our comfort zones although, different for each of us.  Sit back, close your eyes and with consciousness, think about how you feel when you choose to, or are forced, to step out of your comfort zone.

Do some, or all of the words in BLUE in the illustration below look and feel familiar to you?

If you have answered yes, then rest assured you are not alone. 

It is common for us all to feel some or all of these emotions when confronted with situations that take us out of our comfort zone.  When we are out of our comfort zone, we hit our TERROR zone and whilst in this zone our feelings manifest into behaviours; and not all of them are positive.  The words in BLUE in the above illustration describe emotions; how we might be feeling.  The words in RED describe the potential resultant behaviours. 

For example, these feelings can provoke different behaviours such as aggression – where we lash out at others; sabotage – where we actively work against the situation being presented; or withdrawal – where we simply do not engage in the process – which can also be seen as sabotage.

So understanding that these feelings are normal is the first part of learning.  The next step is learning how to deal with these emotions whilst in our terror zone, so that they manifest in positive behaviours.

Stephen Covey has a good take on this.  In his writings on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he talks about “Between Stimulus and Response” in Habit 1 – Be Proactive. 

In essence he is saying we all experience events that provide some sort of stimuli (like being outside of your comfort zone or having your buttons pushed).  However it is the responses or choices we make when we are stimulated that stand us head and shoulders above the rest.  He is saying that we can choose to to react or we can learn more planned and thoughtful responses.   The choice is in being aware of having choices and that we do not have to defer to the situation or circumstance.  He says the more distance we can put between the stimulus and whether we react or respond, then the more proactive and less reactive we become. 

It is simply the act of acknowledging we are “out of our comfort zone” and reflecting on the emotions we are feeling, that becomes the first step in our learning.  Then, the second step is to move beyond our terror zone and learn to control our emotions to ensure positive behaviours are demonstrated.

So next time you in a meeting, information or learning session, and you are sitting there ‘rolling your eyes’ and grunting that this is a ‘waste of time’ (sabotage) or not participating or being disruptive by challenging everything that is being said – analyse why you are behaving that way?  Is it simply, you are being pushed outside your comfort zone?  If you respond with yes, then your next action is about choice.  You can choose to acknowledge your feelings and own your discomfort and learn and grow or you can choose to stay in your comfort zone and do whatever it is you have always done.

REMEMBER:  there is no comfort in learning and no learning in comfort. 

from little things big things grow

I wrote about the power of a thank you a while back, you can read it here.  That story aptly demonstrates the idea of ‘from little things big things grow …’  A thank you is a very small gesture that really can create some very big outcomes so imagine if we started to view everything we did or said in this same way what a difference we might create?

An example being; if you tell a child he is stupid, clumsy or hopeless often enough those seemingly small insignificant words will create some very big outcomes for that child at some stage in life. As conversely if you tell a child she is clever, competent or courageous, similarly these seemingly small words will also create some very big outcomes for the child at some stage in life.

As parents, leaders, friends, or workplace colleagues imagine how different our lives and the lives of others might be if we started to create consciousness around our interactions with others and the words and phrases we use.

My son recently celebrated his 16^th birthday and wanted nothing more than to have a party with his friends.  I am no different from any other parent when it comes to parties and on hearing those words a great shudder went down my spine.  A few friends is usually nothing short of about 50 to 60 kids and if we listen to the horror stories that are frequently reported in the media a teenage birthday party is sure to get out of hand and become a disaster. 

With initial reticence I agreed to the party.  It was only fair as his older brother and sister had both had parties as teenagers and we did survive those.  I also made the conscious decision and changed my attitude to one of absolute trust as I do trust and have faith in my son, the community of children he hangs out with and the families of the kids involved.  I realised that to not trust the kids would more than likely have set the event up to fail through what I know to be an act of self fulfilling prophecy.

The concept of the self fulfilling prophecy can be summarised in these key principles:

• We form certain expectations of people or events
• We communicate those expectations with various cues
• People tend to respond to these cues by adjusting their behaviour to match them
• The result is that the original expectation becomes true
• We then validate and justify the outcome along the lines of ‘see I knew that would happen’

Apply this concept now to life and the workplace and it will potentially look something like this:

• Oh Tom is a lazy son of a gun.  If you ever want a job done on time, don’t expect this of him.
• O M G – the group today is really tough.  Good luck with getting them to achieve anything (hear, the rolling of the eyes).
• Oh, so you are dealing with the ABC Company.  The HR manager and COO are really difficult to get along with.  In fact I find them really painful.
• Lee belongs to the union; difficult man, one-eyed and just simply a pain in the butt.
• Mary, the grievance officer is excellent.  She is always willing to listen and very helpful.
• Dave, the project manager is tough but fair and will back you 100% where necessary.
• Kids these days are out of control; they drink, are disrespectful and up to no good.

I am sure we can all relate to some or all of these statements in some way?  How often has someone told you that someone else is rude, arrogant, a pain in the butt and upon meeting them you go ‘yes, you are right, I see what you mean.’ 

So here is a thought.  Potentially it is our behaviour, our expectation of the person or event that ultimately creates the outcome.  If we think they are rotten, more than likely they will be.  If we think a person is rude, more than likely we will be correct.  We get what we give.  And in some way we are giving off a cue which, results in the behaviour of the other person or at least our perception of the behaviour of the other person.

Prior to the party a few, not many, parents rang me to better understand what the night would be about and if indeed there would be adult supervision.  Through those conversations it became really clear to me how we as parents (and this applies to leadership in the workplace) can potentially set up the very outcomes we are trying to avoid. So I countered the conversations with assurances that the kids are good kids, I have faith in them as kids, they are all part of a community that hangs out together and some have known each other since pre-school and that I trust they will respect me and the fact that the party is at my house and ONLY those children that are invited will be attending.  And no, I did not expect any of the invited children to post it on Facebook as an open invitation nor text out to hundreds of others just because.

So on Saturday night I trusted that the kids would be kids and that the night would be nothing other than a happy birthday party for my son celebrated with a big bunch of fantastic 15 and 16 year olds. 

And, I am happy to say that is exactly what we got – with a great deal of vigilance and a good dose of adult presence chucked in for good measure and sound planning.