Feedback… of course… where was your head at?  Feedback is so important for us to truly gain a sense of who we are, by validating our view of self through others.

Mirror, mirror on the wall; do I see me warts and all?

I have been telling this version of the Snow White story for many years now. It is a true story about me.  You see I used to look in my mirror and see Snow White. I saw myself as a results-oriented hard worker; a people-person who was fun to be around. What I didn’t see was how others viewed me. To them I was obsessed with work and winning; aggressively task-oriented through driving people; and as for fun, it was on my terms only.

So where I saw Snow White, others saw Wicked Witch of the West. What a shock when someone finally decided to share this with me. My immediate reaction of course was deny – blame – justify.  Deny that I was anything other than sweetness and light, blame anyone and everyone else, because if I behaved in a certain way it was because *they* made me and justify my position on some basis, because it was important for me to protect my EGO, my view of me.  Wow, what a bitter pill to swallow! But as my mother would say, “Where there is smoke there is usually fire.”

So I took some time to reflect on the feedback I had just received, and so my journey of self discovery and creating congruence between my inner and outer self began.

To get a sense of how you feel about feedback ask yourself ‘do you like to give it?’  If your answer is no then more than likely you don’t like to receive it either.  Feedback has to be reciprocal.  That is, if you provide feedback to others you must be prepared also to receive it.  Most of us think that feedback is confrontational, perhaps even negative.  However, feedback is simply a method of gaining clarity around our behaviours and attitudes. 

For example, I might see myself as a shy retiring sort of person that doesn’t like to get in people’s way.  So this translates into me arriving at work each morning without bothering my fellow workers and settling into my desk and computer and starting my day.  What my fellow workers see however is someone that is aloof, maybe a little arrogant (what! can’t even say good morning or hello) and potentially someone who is not a team player and doesn’t care; and all of these statements have the potential for becoming powerful limiting career options.  All that has to happen in this instance is for someone to tell me, and usually when the feedback is received it is received graciously because most of us are not aware how we behave or more importantly how our behaviours are perceived.  I would have been mortified to hear that I was perceived as aloof and not a team player as I was mortified when I was actually told I was aggressive and steam-rolling over my team! 

I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand that I was perceived in that way and most of us are the same.  We don’t like feedback because we see it as personal.  That is, I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I won’t tell him the team think he should not be on the project because he won’t speak out at meetings.   If we look at that last sentence in terms of ‘I don’t want to hurt his feelings’, how arrogant is that?  How arrogant for us to think that another person is not capable of receiving feedback. So rather than show compassion and inform the person, we say and do nothing and again potentially limit that person’s career.

When providing feedback we should look at the performance or the behaviour NOT wrap the person up with it.  That is, rather than make comments like “Henry, you are lazy and have a poor attitude toward your job.”  Re-frame the feedback to be specific and say “Henry, you have been 15 minutes late for the last three mornings. Please explain why.”

The key to feedback is to remember:

‘We may not remember what was said,
but we will always remember how it made us feel’

I can’t seem to shake this feeling of restlessness, of wondering what I want to be when I grow up. Life is funny don’t you think? Just when you think you should have your stuff together, you realize you don’t and go chasing rainbows. Well at least I do!

I have recently returned from a wonderful six (6) days in the northern parts of Australia. I was in Darwin for nearly three (3) days and then sat on Cable Beach in Broome for the next three (3) days naval gazing, sipping the odd cocktail and watching the magnificent sunsets – sigh, what a life!

I made the decision easily to run away but then couldn’t decide where to go. I thought about China as I do have a longing to go there (that is a whole other story) but that didn’t feel right and then the thought came to me, Darwin. Yes, Darwin! One of my clients mentioned a project that the company is involved with in Darwin and suggested they (the project team) might need me in some capacity. So when I thought about running away I thought well perhaps a visit to Darwin to meet the folk on the project would be good as it might turn into a piece of work, something worthwhile. And then to make it feel like I was really running away I booked a couple of nights at Cable Beach Club Resort.

I have blogged about Eckhart Tolle (Power of Now) before but you know it is so true; you can’t force the pace of life, which is why it is so important to appreciate the here and now.

My here and now is really weird, even weird for me, but I get I am in the place and pace I need to be right now. The universe is a wonderful teacher if we simply take the time to listen and observe what is going on around us. Most of us however, get so caught up in just living or surviving that we don’t really see or hear much else.

So this is where I am at. I started writing this blog on the verandah of my room, sweat pouring off me as it was really hot – around 38 degrees and very muggy!

When I first arrived at the Resort I have to admit, I thought what am I doing here? I have done this before, taken myself off somewhere secluded only to be reminded that I am an extrovert and get totally bored with myself within 5 minutes! This time however, (I must be growing up) I persisted and to my absolute delight I really enjoyed the quiet time, actually enjoyed my own company. Let me also put this into perspective. Whilst I may have been there on my own physically, I had been texting the whole time (the joy of mobile phones) so really, I had been there with at least half a dozen of my closest friends! You have no idea the comfort that new text message beep on the mobile phone brings to an extrovert on a solo trip!

So anyway Darwin was fantastic, the project team a great bunch of people and I had the added bonus of meeting a very nice travelling executive that likes to party and explore neural linguistic programming (NLP) as a sales tool, which of course for me being into Lifelong Learning made chatting with him very interesting. Again, that is a whole other story (so many stories to share) but meanwhile click here to learn more about NLP.

Back to Broome, the Resort has a Day Spa so I availed myself of daily moments of bliss with relaxation massages and am pleased to report that I have gained some clarity around my current situation.

So, clarity: I am where I need to be right now. The pace my life is unfolding is as it should be and I should not try to force this. I am re-thinking what I want to be when I grow up so I am in planning mode which, yes the irony of that last statement is not lost on me… trying to plan for something you cannot force the pace of! And the people in my life right now are the RIGHT people to be in my life and I am enjoying every experience that is being presented to me.

This all feels a bit Zen, but listening to life and allowing the universe to be the teacher is a good place to be, especially for me, as I am learning to let go and *get* that I actually don’t have to be in control!

Hmmmm so there is a force greater than me out there? Uh huh, there is. And that clarity… that ah-hah moment, has been huge. I love learning!

They say that renovating your house is akin to renovating your soul; the house being metaphor for your psyche.  So, that must mean I am going through a major overhaul right now!

Yesterday the house renovations started quite literally with a bang, thud and crash.  As the demolition occurs and bits of the house crumble and fall, the bob-cat dutifully comes along scrapes it all into a neat pile and throws it into a very large truck to be carted away to goodness knows where.

So what is this saying about me?  Are layers of me also being stripped away, demolished to be swept up and carted off?  What am I throwing away?  What will be the new me after this rather cathartic process?  Hmmmmm, interesting parallel, let’s see what happens.

I wrote that text in a blog a couple of years ago and now realise just how prophetic those words were or indeed how true the connection between house and soul!  The renovation of house finished but the renovation or transformation of me continues…

So I thought I would share a bit of this journey with you.  I have changed, maybe grown up even, not sure.  Sometimes, I think it would be nice to not be aware and not reflect and analyse life, however that doesn’t work for me especially given my chosen career and philosophy of Lifelong Learning.  And this is one of those lifelong learning moments… so this story or journey is aptly titled “fifty, fabulous and a bunch of other f words!” 

In retrospect, it was really quite scary reaching the big 5 – 0 only to realise there had to be more to life.  The renovation and then the transformation of the house paralleled my life.  I realised I wanted the best experience life could offer me so I made the humungous decision to head off on a solo path ending the long term relationship.

On the approach to this significant birthday friends actually said to me “Watch out turning fifty, you may leave the marriage, sell the house, chuck in the job, or give away the kids and animals – well so true!”  So here I am now at the ripe age of 50 something single, and loving it.  The weight of an unfulfilling relationship lifted to reveal a zest for life that makes me want to skip down the street bare feet and dance naked in kings park, if of course that were allowed.

I went out one Friday night and fell in love!  Yes it was a person, a lovely man, and whilst it was everything I had dreamed and hoped for it was also way more.  The experience was metaphor for change, courage and growth at the emotional and spiritual levels; and at the physical it was just sheer joy at experiencing the light headed giddiness that goes with flirting and romance, of being drunk on the moment and not on any actual substance.  The feeling of invigoration; I was tingling with excitement at what might be. But at the same time, not attached to what might be.  It may be forever, or it may fizzle tomorrow, but to feel all this again was just sensational.

Relationships that don’t work shut you down to these types of feelings, turn off the youthful exuberance of being in love, of touching the other person, breathing in their smell and kissing to the point of getting lost in that embrace and falling into a world that you don’t want to return from.  I found this on that Friday night, out of the blue there he was and we clicked. The chemistry was instantaneous and exhilarating.  We chatted to the early hours of the morning, held hands and kissed like teenagers.

We arranged to meet the next day and in the cold harsh reality of daylight, it was just as good.  The day morphed into the night and we had not run out of things to say, we ate some food, we drank some beer and kept talking, holding hands and kissing.  It was then I realised something else was stirring in me.  Something I hadn’t felt for a long time; I felt alive and aching with excitement, something I had turned off or at least shut down a long time ago and now I realised this feeling, this state of youthful exuberance is something I want in my life always; I want more of this – OH – MY – GOD! 

Ok, so here is the reality check… how ridiculous at my age to be behaving like this, let alone writing/blogging about it.

But that is the point… age should not prevent any of us from seeking fulfilment and chasing rainbows and dreams.  Here’s the thing: to be in love is to be and feel young.  So why does love avoid so many of us?  What happened that Friday night that allowed two people to connect?

Firstly, we were obviously in the right place at the right time, so it is important to be out and about.  Then the rest was up to us.  He or I could have feigned disinterest, but we didn’t.  We could have pretended to be something we are not, but we didn’t. We allowed ourselves to be vulnerable (well, at least I did) and we took the bull by the horns. Neither of us was expecting to rescue or be rescued by the other, we were simply enjoying the moment – or so I thought! 

The experience got me thinking about what I want from life.  And what I know is I want to experience deep, passionate, intimate, romantic love – unashamedly!

Our well-being is based on being balanced and love and everything that goes with love is part of that balance.

So the moral to this story is LIFE has to be lived.  It is a waste to stay somewhere and not be happy or fulfilled, and yet sadly many of us do.  I say find the courage to live the life you really want.  Be passionate, dare to thrill and be thrilled and in the process be whole and feel the giddiness of youth through love and romance.  This, I got tell you, is a great place to be. 

OK, here is the thing I want to share and kick off 2009 with. We all create our own realities. Laurel Lee has this wonderful saying:

“I know I don’t see the world as it is, I see the world as I am.”

I have espoused this perspective often over the years, but it really hit me between the eyes in 2008. It came to me I think, because I am vulnerable – a place I find very uncomfortable. Interesting, it is often said “there is no comfort in learning and no learning in comfort!”

Last year, saw me pondering life, love and the universe and right at the end of 2008 I experienced a dose of clarity like I had never experienced before. Everything in my life is going through change right now.

This is how it is panning out for me. My business: one of my major clients experienced two (2) workplace deaths in 2008 and this has changed the lives of many (including me) forever and has changed the way the business now operates. My life: by 2 degrees of separation I am feeling the consequences of Rio Tinto retrenching their workers, one of my team is experiencing this change first hand as her husband loses his job, and my girlfriend’s daughter loses hers. I read in the paper that BHP is retrenching 6,000 people, what effect might this have on a couple of my other clients and therefore me? China is putting the brakes on some of its projects so I am wondering how this will flow into my business and therefore affect my life? Another friend of mine is missing, as his business is wiped out through the current economic doom and gloom. Love: I am leaving my 18 year relationship to set off on a solo path. No-one else is involved; this is all about me. I believe there has to be more to a relationship than I have and I want to experience this in my lifetime. Oh-my-gawd!

As I transition through all this change, I am attracting people into my life that are proving to be quite the catalyst for enabling this version of my transformation. I have heard the saying “when the learner is ready, the teacher appears.” Well, I am in learning over-drive, perhaps even learning saturation right now – my head is spinning and I am putting the brakes on, because it is all too much! Huh? How does that work when learning for life, purportedly underpins everything I am about, I hear you say?

Well, because the teachers are interesting; they see themselves as ’spiritual beings’ and knower’s of stuff that I do not know. But, knowing stuff that has a faith / metaphysical basis as opposed to an empirical basis really is simply a point of view and if their point of view has to be right, what does that make mine? Wrong, according to them and when I try to debate, discuss, rationalise or analyse, I am told I am in denial. I have been told I am a co-dependent, enabling the addictions of some close to me, I repress my children’s thoughts and ability to free speak and I am a control freak. Are you getting the picture? I am hoping you are starting to see how exhausting this has been and how it served my path to vulnerability. Am I those things? Yes, with introspection probably, to some degree.

So there I was, left pondering again. Everything I thought I was everything I thought I had achieved; my growth and learning both personally and professionally seemed to be stripped away and I was left questioning my very world, my existence when it became clear. Eleanor Roosevelt once said “no-one can make you feel inferior without consent.” So why was I allowing these people to affect me in this way? Therefore, what was the lesson I needed to learn, why were these people in my face?

It is all in the delivery… They may have a very important message to share, but if it is not delivered in a way that is conducive to learning then no matter how important the message the learning is not going to occur. It is arrogant to suggest that just because you or I have an opinion that the rest of the universe will jump to attention.

So I get that my world is just that, mine. It is based on my experiences, my frame of reference, my view of others and my view of me. My world, therefore my reality is mine. Just as yours is yours. So I am not right or wrong, nor are you right or wrong. Your reality is yours and my reality is mine and we should respect that, provide tolerance to other points of view and debate and challenge respectfully that view point to reach mutual agreement and understanding.

So to my spiritual friends I say “thank you for your perspective and thank you for sharing your view of the world, and what I have learned the most from this experience is to honour the reality of others and trust and honour my own reality, trust and honour myself.”

2009 will therefore, see my facilitative and coaching skills sharpened because I so get it is all about the learner, never about the teacher!

Hmmmm lifelong learning at its best…

The renovation is on the down hill slide now with only 4 -5 weeks to go and all will be done and dusted. The experience has been wonderful. A lot of friends asked along the way “how are you coping?” and would make comments such as “I bet you are really over it now and will be glad when it is finished.” We will of course, be glad when it is finished but it really has not had an affect on us at all in terms of creating stress or anxiety, which begs the question. Why do some us find these types of situations tense and worrisome and others like us take it in our stride?

Working in the area of people behaviour and having spent some years now using the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) I believe there is an answer. Our family is predominantly *P* when it comes to how we like to orientate ourselves in the world. That is, we are not into structure or order and like to be emergent in our approach to life in general; we like to see what options arise and don”t like to make plans in case something better happens along. This was validated just this morning with both our children. Our daughter madly sewing flowers onto a headband for a project she is doing on 1920″s flapper women and our son frantically searching for baby photos he can take to school for his life-line project. So as a family, we tend to leave things to the last minute which may seem a little chaotic for some, but for us living in a chaotic state is not a state that causes angst.

Our opposites however, those that are *J* need order, structure and control. Without, they can not relax nor enjoy and ultimately find themselves stressed and somewhat agitated even becoming dysfunctional.

Rusty, our 4 year old border collie cross is suffering. I have him pegged as an ISTJ. Which means he is introverted – where he draws his energy (internal or external), sensing – how he gathers information, thinking – how he makes decisions and judging – how he orientates himself in the world. Overall it means he likes routine, he likes everything in its place and a place for everything and he doesn”t like too many surprises. So having many trades people in the house and a lot of unfamiliar noises has resulted in our Rusty being in a constant state of high alert, quite anxious and seeking shelter and reassurance from his pack leaders.

The Myers-Briggs personality type indicator is based on the work of C.G. Jung and is useful simply as an awareness tool, hence the word *indicator*. It is a way of creating awareness around how we approach different aspects of life and provides an indicator of personality preferences to enable us to honour differences in one another and find the strengths in those differences as opposed to creating fear and intolerance.

The build has been a wonderful experience. A validation of where we are in the life journey. I wanted a physical dwelling to support our way of living and that is exactly what we got; with the added bonus of hassle free, on-time and nearly on-budget. Don”t you love the universe?