Have you ever attended a meeting, information or learning session where you have decided that what is being said is a crock of nonsense? Can you recall how you felt in that situation – apprehensive, angry, frustrated, indignant?

Have you ever considered that situations like these may simply be forcing you out of your comfort zone? 

We all have our comfort zones although, different for each of us.  Sit back, close your eyes and with consciousness, think about how you feel when you choose to, or are forced, to step out of your comfort zone.

Do some, or all of the words in BLUE in the illustration below look and feel familiar to you?

If you have answered yes, then rest assured you are not alone. 

It is common for us all to feel some or all of these emotions when confronted with situations that take us out of our comfort zone.  When we are out of our comfort zone, we hit our TERROR zone and whilst in this zone our feelings manifest into behaviours; and not all of them are positive.  The words in BLUE in the above illustration describe emotions; how we might be feeling.  The words in RED describe the potential resultant behaviours. 

For example, these feelings can provoke different behaviours such as aggression – where we lash out at others; sabotage – where we actively work against the situation being presented; or withdrawal – where we simply do not engage in the process – which can also be seen as sabotage.

So understanding that these feelings are normal is the first part of learning.  The next step is learning how to deal with these emotions whilst in our terror zone, so that they manifest in positive behaviours.

Stephen Covey has a good take on this.  In his writings on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he talks about “Between Stimulus and Response” in Habit 1 – Be Proactive. 

In essence he is saying we all experience events that provide some sort of stimuli (like being outside of your comfort zone or having your buttons pushed).  However it is the responses or choices we make when we are stimulated that stand us head and shoulders above the rest.  He is saying that we can choose to to react or we can learn more planned and thoughtful responses.   The choice is in being aware of having choices and that we do not have to defer to the situation or circumstance.  He says the more distance we can put between the stimulus and whether we react or respond, then the more proactive and less reactive we become. 

It is simply the act of acknowledging we are “out of our comfort zone” and reflecting on the emotions we are feeling, that becomes the first step in our learning.  Then, the second step is to move beyond our terror zone and learn to control our emotions to ensure positive behaviours are demonstrated.

So next time you in a meeting, information or learning session, and you are sitting there ‘rolling your eyes’ and grunting that this is a ‘waste of time’ (sabotage) or not participating or being disruptive by challenging everything that is being said – analyse why you are behaving that way?  Is it simply, you are being pushed outside your comfort zone?  If you respond with yes, then your next action is about choice.  You can choose to acknowledge your feelings and own your discomfort and learn and grow or you can choose to stay in your comfort zone and do whatever it is you have always done.

REMEMBER:  there is no comfort in learning and no learning in comfort. 

You are what you think

Henry Ford made this comment many years ago, long before it became fashionable to actually believe the statement may hold some truth.  And right now as I sit typing one-handed because I am trussed up like a roast chook, I am pondering what might be the emotional underlying cause of the physical manifestation of my bung shoulder and subsequent useless right arm?

It’s an interesting, if not somewhat controversial topic to ponder, the link between the physical and emotional dimensions of self. Whilst it is no doubt an easy topic to dismiss as some sort of hudu guru, new age crap, I am thinking a moment of reflection is warranted, especially for me in my current situation, as only I am really able to analyse the situation as only me and a very select few have been privvy to my thought patterns leading up to this event.

Those of you that know me will have heard me say “I am going to do princess; I am not going to be the capable one anymore.”  And those that know me have heard me say “I want to live the second half of my life very different from the first”, which translates into “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.”  Those that know me, also know that I have left the long standing relationship in pursuit of these endeavours so have certainly been experiencing some emotional turmoil culminating in the sale of the house and imminent move.

So given this is potentially about closure and new beginnings, why am I incapacitated when I need to be functioning and able?  Is it just pure coincidence that my arm fails right when I need it most?  Is it just bad luck and rotten timing?

I would like to respond with a simple and resounding yes, but to do so makes me feel like I am missing the point; that I am in denial and simply justifying my current state which, by the way, is something we all do – often!

Louise Hay has dedicated her life to this concept, resulting in her world renown, best selling book “You can heal your life.”  The following video introduces the concept of being in control of the life we live, starting with our thoughts.  Some of you will enjoy this, some of you may not. 

For me it is all about lifelong learning; being willing to open our mind, body and soul to different perspective and being willing to challenge held beliefs.  

Yes, my shoulder will heal, along with my approach to life… and meanwhile I will graciously ask for, and accept help!

The clip is a worthy 1-hour investment of your time so sit back, chill and enjoy! 

Use the side arrows < > to navigate the parts.

Friday night here I come! I had stayed in for the last couple of weeks and was champing at the bit to get out and about. So there I was, standing in a bar in a trendy part of town, chatting and laughing with the girls, eyeing the crowd hoping that someone interesting might be there also, and yup there he was. It’s funny don’t you think, that in a crowded bar there is always that one person that stands out? He certainly had the look; the right physical build, tall and cute with glasses. I watched as he walked to the far side of the room out of sight, so I suggested to the girls we move also but when I went to look for him, nothing, no-where, not to be found. Damn, I thought, he must have left.

On the return from the hunt for this rather gorgeous man we walked back to the other side of the room and I, quite literally nearly fell over him. In my surprise, I asked rather reticently, if it was OK to park myself next to where he was standing. He said ‘of course’ and waived me in to the piece of wall next to him.

I stood leaning against the wall wondering how I could get to talk without it appearing too ridiculously forward. As I pondered this, I realised I was feeling quite nervous and unsure, so I decided to simply go for broke and face him head on. I turned toward him, looked him in the eye and said ‘hi, what brings you here tonight?’ As it turned out, he was from Sydney, a writer – over here to do a piece on the rugby match that was playing the following night – and … very happily married. Bummer about the married bit but hey, out of all the people in the bar that night, I was bemused by the fact that I had honed in on and met a writer!

I see myself as a writer and told him so. He was great, just what I needed. In no more than fifteen minutes he had given me great words of encouragement, said writing was a way of life second to nothing, full of excitement, travel and ‘fancy getting paid to do something you really love.’ He writes a regular column for an Australian city based newspaper and has had several books published. So how fortuitous was that meeting?

Earlier in the night I had been speaking with another man, responding to the usual ‘so what do you do’ type question. I mentioned I was a writer and he proceeded to tell me how hard that must be and rattled off a synopsis of a book by George Orwell that detailed his life as a down and out un-published writer living on the bones of his arse in Paris, France. He then went on to tell me that in a previous life he worked in the music industry and the number of aspiring artists that would submit CDs of their musical talent only to have them end up in some executives rubbish bin because of the enormity of the task, which must be the same for writers, right? You would be just one of many he asked quizzically with that ‘you’re not really serious are you’ type of tone and look?

I listened politely as I understood he was simply sharing his perspective of life and that a career in writing, along with any type of musical leaning is considered by most, risky.

Many of us choose to play it safe and many more of us choose to listen to people who choose to play it safe and limit ourselves to a life of mediocre ho-hum to please others.

I stood in a crowded bar on a Friday night and fortuitously met a writer who confirmed for me that to pursue your passion is the only way to live your life!

It reminds me of the Humphrey Bogart line in Casablanca “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine. …”

I recall one of the key components of transformational leadership, being authenticity. The proponent of this leadership theory, Emeritus Professor Bernard Bass suggests that to be truly transformational you need to be true to yourself and others. He says you can still be a transformational leader but without authenticity, you are pseudo transformational. That is, whilst you can be charismatic, inspirational and ideally influential the authentic transformational leader focuses on the greater good, the inauthentic leader emphasises what’s in it for me.

Without authenticity a leader, well actually anyone … could hoodwink others into believing you had their interests at heart when in fact you were simply displaying charismatic qualities whilst leaning on the side of self interest.

It got me thinking where do you draw the line between a little white lie and deception? Is a little white lie equal to deception when it comes to being authentic? How important is it to be authentic?

According to dictionary.com the definition of authentic is not false or copied; genuine; real. The following words are synonyms for authentic – real, honest, ethical, genuine, true. So bring the definition and synonyms together the question is, how important is it to be genuine, real, honest, not false or copied, genuine, true?

As I write this, I am beginning to better understand the complex nature of this topic and the myriad of issues that are subsequently unravelling around me. Authenticity is a values judgement. And of course as human beings, we don’t all hold the same values.

If honesty, is a deeply held value of mine then a white lie is going to be seen as deception. If achievement is someone else’s value and to achieve means spin a yarn to gain the desired outcome then a little white lie is potentially harmless – or is it? If you spin one little white lie, how many more could there be? I am now thinking that the little white lie, no matter what your take on it, is linked to trust. Trust, whether in a business or personal setting is definitely a deal maker or a deal breaker.

I recently met a very nice person who, as it turned out fibbed about their age? And I have got to say, I know of many people who do this, but I am wondering why? Why is it we are not happy to be whom and what we are? Why do we think that a version of us will make us more lovable, enjoyable, employable and acceptable?

And this I believe is the crux of this pondering.

To be authentic means to have consciously studied self and accept where self fits and what self has to offer. Authenticity means being able to look in the mirror and see prince charming or snow white, warts and all; it means seeing and accepting the beauty of what is looking back. It means not having to expend energy on living the version for that becomes exhausting.

To be authentic, is to be real.  It is hard to find good explanation of real in this sense for you not only see real, you feel it.

When you are around authentic people you feel energised; you feed off each other, it is a mutually satisfying experience applicable to the workplace and to life in general.

To be or not to be … is a choice … and I choose to be. 

What about you?

It always seems like we never really value the simple things in life, like a thank you.  Saying thank you costs us nothing, yet the value of a thank you is almost immeasurable.  I recall having this very conversation with a bunch of leaders in various leadership forums, over many years and I got to tell you if I had a dollar for every time I heard the following, ‘why should I thank them, I pay them don’t I’ I would be extremely wealthy indeed.  It got me thinking.  Imagine if we used a similar line on our significant others when asked ‘do you love me darling?’ and we responded with ‘well, I married you, didn’t I.’ 

Hmmmm, doesn’t quite work does it?  Well, it doesn’t work either to forget to thank those around us for doing whatever it is they are doing.  You see, it is a fundamental underlying human principle for us all to want to contribute and feel valued. In a work setting, this means that doing our job and being remunerated is only part of the equation.  We want to do our job, be remunerated and feel valued. 

Organisation’s today spend a lot of time, money and effort on implementing employee reward and recognition schemes yet fail to develop their workplace leaders in the act of saying thank you.  Two simple words; thank and you, and when said with authentic intent are great motivators.  A thank you is feedback; feedback that reinforces we are doing something right, and potentially doing it well. 

A thank you is a behavioural intervention, in that when we are told thank you we are being noticed and when we are being noticed we want more of that so we do more of what we were doing that generated the thank you in the first place.

In a personal setting, a thank you sets the behavioural standard also.  That is, when our children pick up their clothes and put them in the dirty clothes basket and we say thank you, they are more likely to do it again and again.  When our significant other cooks a great meal and we say thank you, we are letting them know how loved and appreciated they are and they are more likely to find ways of doing more for us because they value the contributions to and recognition of the relationship. 

Think about this, it even works with our pets!  When we say good dog, for peeing outside or for not barking inappropriately, what we are saying is thank you.  Thank you for peeing in the right place and thank you for not barking at that cat sitting on the fence; a thank you reinforces good behaviour.

A genuine appreciation of another through a thank you is a powerful motivator for good behaviour; it is a reward and recognition system that costs nothing.  So, how hard is it to say thank you?  How hard is it to genuinely appreciate the effort of another? How hard is it to provide feedback to another through these two simple words; thank you? 

Obviously hard, because it gets overlooked time and time again through excuses such as ‘I shouldn’t have to thank them for doing their job.’ ‘I shouldn’t have to thank him for cleaning his room; this is not a hotel you know.’ ‘She should know I appreciate the work she does.’ And on and on we could go.  I am sure you can relate to a lot of these statements?

So what is the answer?  Just do it.  Embed gratitude into your everyday living, let those around you know how much you appreciate them by saying thank you, and when appropriate I love you, often. 

When was the last time you said thank you?  If you have ever wondered how to get those around you to achieve the outcomes you seek, just try these simple words.  I have no doubt you will be delighted with the result.