Have you ever attended a meeting, information or learning session where you have decided that what is being said is a crock of nonsense? Can you recall how you felt in that situation – apprehensive, angry, frustrated, indignant?

Have you ever considered that situations like these may simply be forcing you out of your comfort zone? 

We all have our comfort zones although, different for each of us.  Sit back, close your eyes and with consciousness, think about how you feel when you choose to, or are forced, to step out of your comfort zone.

Do some, or all of the words in BLUE in the illustration below look and feel familiar to you?

If you have answered yes, then rest assured you are not alone. 

It is common for us all to feel some or all of these emotions when confronted with situations that take us out of our comfort zone.  When we are out of our comfort zone, we hit our TERROR zone and whilst in this zone our feelings manifest into behaviours; and not all of them are positive.  The words in BLUE in the above illustration describe emotions; how we might be feeling.  The words in RED describe the potential resultant behaviours. 

For example, these feelings can provoke different behaviours such as aggression – where we lash out at others; sabotage – where we actively work against the situation being presented; or withdrawal – where we simply do not engage in the process – which can also be seen as sabotage.

So understanding that these feelings are normal is the first part of learning.  The next step is learning how to deal with these emotions whilst in our terror zone, so that they manifest in positive behaviours.

Stephen Covey has a good take on this.  In his writings on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he talks about “Between Stimulus and Response” in Habit 1 – Be Proactive. 

In essence he is saying we all experience events that provide some sort of stimuli (like being outside of your comfort zone or having your buttons pushed).  However it is the responses or choices we make when we are stimulated that stand us head and shoulders above the rest.  He is saying that we can choose to to react or we can learn more planned and thoughtful responses.   The choice is in being aware of having choices and that we do not have to defer to the situation or circumstance.  He says the more distance we can put between the stimulus and whether we react or respond, then the more proactive and less reactive we become. 

It is simply the act of acknowledging we are “out of our comfort zone” and reflecting on the emotions we are feeling, that becomes the first step in our learning.  Then, the second step is to move beyond our terror zone and learn to control our emotions to ensure positive behaviours are demonstrated.

So next time you in a meeting, information or learning session, and you are sitting there ‘rolling your eyes’ and grunting that this is a ‘waste of time’ (sabotage) or not participating or being disruptive by challenging everything that is being said – analyse why you are behaving that way?  Is it simply, you are being pushed outside your comfort zone?  If you respond with yes, then your next action is about choice.  You can choose to acknowledge your feelings and own your discomfort and learn and grow or you can choose to stay in your comfort zone and do whatever it is you have always done.

REMEMBER:  there is no comfort in learning and no learning in comfort. 

You are what you think

Henry Ford made this comment many years ago, long before it became fashionable to actually believe the statement may hold some truth.  And right now as I sit typing one-handed because I am trussed up like a roast chook, I am pondering what might be the emotional underlying cause of the physical manifestation of my bung shoulder and subsequent useless right arm?

It’s an interesting, if not somewhat controversial topic to ponder, the link between the physical and emotional dimensions of self. Whilst it is no doubt an easy topic to dismiss as some sort of hudu guru, new age crap, I am thinking a moment of reflection is warranted, especially for me in my current situation, as only I am really able to analyse the situation as only me and a very select few have been privvy to my thought patterns leading up to this event.

Those of you that know me will have heard me say “I am going to do princess; I am not going to be the capable one anymore.”  And those that know me have heard me say “I want to live the second half of my life very different from the first”, which translates into “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.”  Those that know me, also know that I have left the long standing relationship in pursuit of these endeavours so have certainly been experiencing some emotional turmoil culminating in the sale of the house and imminent move.

So given this is potentially about closure and new beginnings, why am I incapacitated when I need to be functioning and able?  Is it just pure coincidence that my arm fails right when I need it most?  Is it just bad luck and rotten timing?

I would like to respond with a simple and resounding yes, but to do so makes me feel like I am missing the point; that I am in denial and simply justifying my current state which, by the way, is something we all do – often!

Louise Hay has dedicated her life to this concept, resulting in her world renown, best selling book “You can heal your life.”  The following video introduces the concept of being in control of the life we live, starting with our thoughts.  Some of you will enjoy this, some of you may not. 

For me it is all about lifelong learning; being willing to open our mind, body and soul to different perspective and being willing to challenge held beliefs.  

Yes, my shoulder will heal, along with my approach to life… and meanwhile I will graciously ask for, and accept help!

The clip is a worthy 1-hour investment of your time so sit back, chill and enjoy! 

Use the side arrows < > to navigate the parts.

I recall one of the key components of transformational leadership, being authenticity. The proponent of this leadership theory, Emeritus Professor Bernard Bass suggests that to be truly transformational you need to be true to yourself and others. He says you can still be a transformational leader but without authenticity, you are pseudo transformational. That is, whilst you can be charismatic, inspirational and ideally influential the authentic transformational leader focuses on the greater good, the inauthentic leader emphasises what’s in it for me.

Without authenticity a leader, well actually anyone … could hoodwink others into believing you had their interests at heart when in fact you were simply displaying charismatic qualities whilst leaning on the side of self interest.

It got me thinking where do you draw the line between a little white lie and deception? Is a little white lie equal to deception when it comes to being authentic? How important is it to be authentic?

According to dictionary.com the definition of authentic is not false or copied; genuine; real. The following words are synonyms for authentic – real, honest, ethical, genuine, true. So bring the definition and synonyms together the question is, how important is it to be genuine, real, honest, not false or copied, genuine, true?

As I write this, I am beginning to better understand the complex nature of this topic and the myriad of issues that are subsequently unravelling around me. Authenticity is a values judgement. And of course as human beings, we don’t all hold the same values.

If honesty, is a deeply held value of mine then a white lie is going to be seen as deception. If achievement is someone else’s value and to achieve means spin a yarn to gain the desired outcome then a little white lie is potentially harmless – or is it? If you spin one little white lie, how many more could there be? I am now thinking that the little white lie, no matter what your take on it, is linked to trust. Trust, whether in a business or personal setting is definitely a deal maker or a deal breaker.

I recently met a very nice person who, as it turned out fibbed about their age? And I have got to say, I know of many people who do this, but I am wondering why? Why is it we are not happy to be whom and what we are? Why do we think that a version of us will make us more lovable, enjoyable, employable and acceptable?

And this I believe is the crux of this pondering.

To be authentic means to have consciously studied self and accept where self fits and what self has to offer. Authenticity means being able to look in the mirror and see prince charming or snow white, warts and all; it means seeing and accepting the beauty of what is looking back. It means not having to expend energy on living the version for that becomes exhausting.

To be authentic, is to be real.  It is hard to find good explanation of real in this sense for you not only see real, you feel it.

When you are around authentic people you feel energised; you feed off each other, it is a mutually satisfying experience applicable to the workplace and to life in general.

To be or not to be … is a choice … and I choose to be. 

What about you?

It always seems like we never really value the simple things in life, like a thank you.  Saying thank you costs us nothing, yet the value of a thank you is almost immeasurable.  I recall having this very conversation with a bunch of leaders in various leadership forums, over many years and I got to tell you if I had a dollar for every time I heard the following, ‘why should I thank them, I pay them don’t I’ I would be extremely wealthy indeed.  It got me thinking.  Imagine if we used a similar line on our significant others when asked ‘do you love me darling?’ and we responded with ‘well, I married you, didn’t I.’ 

Hmmmm, doesn’t quite work does it?  Well, it doesn’t work either to forget to thank those around us for doing whatever it is they are doing.  You see, it is a fundamental underlying human principle for us all to want to contribute and feel valued. In a work setting, this means that doing our job and being remunerated is only part of the equation.  We want to do our job, be remunerated and feel valued. 

Organisation’s today spend a lot of time, money and effort on implementing employee reward and recognition schemes yet fail to develop their workplace leaders in the act of saying thank you.  Two simple words; thank and you, and when said with authentic intent are great motivators.  A thank you is feedback; feedback that reinforces we are doing something right, and potentially doing it well. 

A thank you is a behavioural intervention, in that when we are told thank you we are being noticed and when we are being noticed we want more of that so we do more of what we were doing that generated the thank you in the first place.

In a personal setting, a thank you sets the behavioural standard also.  That is, when our children pick up their clothes and put them in the dirty clothes basket and we say thank you, they are more likely to do it again and again.  When our significant other cooks a great meal and we say thank you, we are letting them know how loved and appreciated they are and they are more likely to find ways of doing more for us because they value the contributions to and recognition of the relationship. 

Think about this, it even works with our pets!  When we say good dog, for peeing outside or for not barking inappropriately, what we are saying is thank you.  Thank you for peeing in the right place and thank you for not barking at that cat sitting on the fence; a thank you reinforces good behaviour.

A genuine appreciation of another through a thank you is a powerful motivator for good behaviour; it is a reward and recognition system that costs nothing.  So, how hard is it to say thank you?  How hard is it to genuinely appreciate the effort of another? How hard is it to provide feedback to another through these two simple words; thank you? 

Obviously hard, because it gets overlooked time and time again through excuses such as ‘I shouldn’t have to thank them for doing their job.’ ‘I shouldn’t have to thank him for cleaning his room; this is not a hotel you know.’ ‘She should know I appreciate the work she does.’ And on and on we could go.  I am sure you can relate to a lot of these statements?

So what is the answer?  Just do it.  Embed gratitude into your everyday living, let those around you know how much you appreciate them by saying thank you, and when appropriate I love you, often. 

When was the last time you said thank you?  If you have ever wondered how to get those around you to achieve the outcomes you seek, just try these simple words.  I have no doubt you will be delighted with the result.

I blogged recently about facilitating an appreciative inquiry; a methodology for identifying all that is working in life, as opposed to focusing on what is not working and looking to problem solve. I can’t stop thinking that even though I understand these concepts, or at least I can intellectualise them, to truly embed them into a way of being is something quite different.

Ken Keys writes -

how soon will you realise that the only thing you don’t have is the direct experience; that there’s nothing you need, that you don’t have?

Abraham Maslow, of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs fame says that we all have levels of need and that only when one level is met can we move onto the next and then through all levels to achieve ‘self actualisation.’

His model is a five-staged approach with the most basic of our needs being physiological. In simplistic terms, this first stage is about life needs, such as food, water and shelter. Once this need is met we then look to be safe and know we have security. This may be work, love, financial security as well as ensuring we are physically safe through living in environments that have law, order and structure. From there we move into family, love, friends, affection and belonging both in a person, professional and community setting. When that need is met we look more inward around personal and professional achievement, status, responsibility and reputation and then the last need transcends all else and is about seeking personal growth and fulfilment and it may or may not be tied to the other needs. Often, at this level we may want to be independent of the world and wish to exist above and apart from material possessions.

Sounds simple? Often however, pursuit of these needs creates the very opposite of the original intent. Where we strive to meet our basic physiological needs we burden ourselves financially which ultimately confines and limits our ability to live life. For example, I may have my house or apartment but my loan repayments are so high I am just surviving, leaving my other needs around social belonging and self esteem un-met. I may be in a soul-destroying job that is providing me with plenty of money to meet my physiological and safety needs, but is so depressing it is having an adverse affect on my social belonging need and not providing me with opportunity to meet my self esteem and self actualisation needs.

What to do? The answer is balance and perspective.

Maslow intended his model to help managers identify that a team member cannot be a team player (level 3) if his house is about to be re-possessed (level 2) and a sales person can’t be
motivated to achieve targets (level 4) when they’re having problems with their marriage (level 3).

It is however, equally useful for determining where we are at in our lives, to help decide how we might want to be doing something different or better.

For me, I am definitely at levels 4 & 5, having many times in the past worked through levels 1 – 3. That is, life for me all is about love (deep, romantic love) and seeking achievement, status, reputation, personal growth and fulfilment. What I have come to realise though, is that in my current state I have confined myself to survival mode at levels 1 & 2 through being tied to a level of money to maintain my current lifestyle. And don’t think I don’t get that last statement is all about my EGO. You see, I have a lifestyle and one that I have potentially linked to my-Self. So, if my lifestyle was to change what would that say about me, what would that do to me?

It begs the question ‘how many of us see ourselves as the job we do, or the level of money we earn, or the status trappings we have; the flash car (s), the big house, the bigger toys, the bling, the holidays.” This mindset I think, keeps us in level 3 of Maslow’s hierarchy, and not always for the right reasons.

So in order for me to follow my dreams, live my passion and find my mojo, I have come to the realisation that I need to let go of my EGO, and in doing so re-think my lifestyle. This may be temporary or it may be permanent, I don’t know yet but the one thing I do know is, if I don’t do something different, I will just keep getting the same.

I have decided when I wake up tomorrow, I will put into play some strategies that will support my endeavours to realise ‘self-actualisation’ and have faith that the choices I make will support my future and my mojo will return, double-strength. I have everything I need; I just need to re-arrange how it is presented. Here’s to tomorrow.

Be afraid of nothing –
you have within you
all wisdom
all power
all strength
all understanding
~ Eileen Caddy