I blogged recently about facilitating an appreciative inquiry; a methodology for identifying all that is working in life, as opposed to focusing on what is not working and looking to problem solve. I can’t stop thinking that even though I understand these concepts, or at least I can intellectualise them, to truly embed them into a way of being is something quite different.

Ken Keys writes -

how soon will you realise that the only thing you don’t have is the direct experience; that there’s nothing you need, that you don’t have?

Abraham Maslow, of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs fame says that we all have levels of need and that only when one level is met can we move onto the next and then through all levels to achieve ‘self actualisation.’

His model is a five-staged approach with the most basic of our needs being physiological. In simplistic terms, this first stage is about life needs, such as food, water and shelter. Once this need is met we then look to be safe and know we have security. This may be work, love, financial security as well as ensuring we are physically safe through living in environments that have law, order and structure. From there we move into family, love, friends, affection and belonging both in a person, professional and community setting. When that need is met we look more inward around personal and professional achievement, status, responsibility and reputation and then the last need transcends all else and is about seeking personal growth and fulfilment and it may or may not be tied to the other needs. Often, at this level we may want to be independent of the world and wish to exist above and apart from material possessions.

Sounds simple? Often however, pursuit of these needs creates the very opposite of the original intent. Where we strive to meet our basic physiological needs we burden ourselves financially which ultimately confines and limits our ability to live life. For example, I may have my house or apartment but my loan repayments are so high I am just surviving, leaving my other needs around social belonging and self esteem un-met. I may be in a soul-destroying job that is providing me with plenty of money to meet my physiological and safety needs, but is so depressing it is having an adverse affect on my social belonging need and not providing me with opportunity to meet my self esteem and self actualisation needs.

What to do? The answer is balance and perspective.

Maslow intended his model to help managers identify that a team member cannot be a team player (level 3) if his house is about to be re-possessed (level 2) and a sales person can’t be
motivated to achieve targets (level 4) when they’re having problems with their marriage (level 3).

It is however, equally useful for determining where we are at in our lives, to help decide how we might want to be doing something different or better.

For me, I am definitely at levels 4 & 5, having many times in the past worked through levels 1 – 3. That is, life for me all is about love (deep, romantic love) and seeking achievement, status, reputation, personal growth and fulfilment. What I have come to realise though, is that in my current state I have confined myself to survival mode at levels 1 & 2 through being tied to a level of money to maintain my current lifestyle. And don’t think I don’t get that last statement is all about my EGO. You see, I have a lifestyle and one that I have potentially linked to my-Self. So, if my lifestyle was to change what would that say about me, what would that do to me?

It begs the question ‘how many of us see ourselves as the job we do, or the level of money we earn, or the status trappings we have; the flash car (s), the big house, the bigger toys, the bling, the holidays.” This mindset I think, keeps us in level 3 of Maslow’s hierarchy, and not always for the right reasons.

So in order for me to follow my dreams, live my passion and find my mojo, I have come to the realisation that I need to let go of my EGO, and in doing so re-think my lifestyle. This may be temporary or it may be permanent, I don’t know yet but the one thing I do know is, if I don’t do something different, I will just keep getting the same.

I have decided when I wake up tomorrow, I will put into play some strategies that will support my endeavours to realise ‘self-actualisation’ and have faith that the choices I make will support my future and my mojo will return, double-strength. I have everything I need; I just need to re-arrange how it is presented. Here’s to tomorrow.

Be afraid of nothing –
you have within you
all wisdom
all power
all strength
all understanding
~ Eileen Caddy

Just when I thought I was starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, bam! I get a huge jolt to the core of my very being by having my stable monthly source of income terminated. It was on the cards but I had it on good authority, or so I thought that I had until the end of the year before it would actually eventuate. So to have it happen almost out of the blue and so soon has sent me into a huge spin and left me feeling extremely fragile. So what does a grown woman do, when she is feeling like this? Well, sulk… of course!

I realise that this is not life threatening, not for me anyway. I am able to rationally think through situations like these and plot a path of recovery. But that is not to say, I can’t wallow in self pity, sulk, feel sorry for myself and whinge about the situation; all of which I did with my colleague and friend in Melbourne.

I want my solo life and for that to happen the EX and I need to resolve our financials. I have put the house on the market for sale and removed it; I have put the house into the corporate leasing market and removed it also. So just when I had reconciled myself to staying in the house and enjoying it as I intended when I embarked on the renovations a couple of years back, I suddenly find myself in the predicament of not having a guaranteed source of income. This is pretty amazing, as I have never been in this situation ever, so it begs the question “why now?”

You would have heard me say on many occasions “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up” so I think perhaps that this is the universe saying to me ‘well, if you can’t figure it, we’ll push you along and insist you start finding your way.’

I have become a big fan, or perhaps a better description is, addict of Twitter. Twitter is a messaging, come networking tool that allows you to stay connected with people (your followers) on-line. You tweet short messages, no longer than a 140 characters as frequently as you like, providing updates of what you are thinking or doing.

So I tweeted:

 “When one door shuts, another opens – right? So… Ok… I’m waiting.”

I am wondering if this is the start of my new life. That perhaps today is the day I will find the courage to embark on the life I am passionate about. I am not yet sure exactly what that passion is, although I do have an inkling, and perhaps any moment now I will gain that clarity?

Again, I tweeted:

 “Today is the first day of the rest of my new life; my mojo awaits.”

I have had two significant relationships end in a very short space of time; first, my long term personal relationship and now my six year client relationship. I am pondering ‘what is this about’ and potentially I think it is about having faith that what is happening right now is the right thing to happen and whilst I am feeling fragile I simply need to go with what is. My words are almost prophetic. A couple of weeks back I wrote on my Facebook Wall: ‘When life seems confusing, just go with what is.’ And here I am feeling fragile and trying to hold the faith that what is… is OK.

Having said that, as I sat back of room in the last workshop I will be facilitating for the client, I pondered my position, opened my notebook and wrote:

Time to get my shit together…

I am a writer, on-line marketer and business entrepreneur.
I can only fail, if I give up.

Do this:

1. Embark on BIG marketing campaign around all Lifelong Learning product and services
2. Build a focus on wellness / wellbeing
3. Learn to use the Business Contact Manager in Microsoft Office
4. Schedule public courses as part of brand building and marketing

John Demartini in his book ‘The breakthrough experience’ talks of acting now as if you have achieved your dream. He says articulate your vision through a model of BE – DO – HAVE. That is, what is it you want to be? How are you going to do that? And what will you have as a result of achieving this?

So for me:

BE:     

I am a WRITER; a syndicated writer for a column or piece in a newspaper or magazine; an author of books.

DO:            

Sell, hawk, tout my wares to newspapers, magazines, publishers; create a BIG on-line presence and find an agent.

HAVE:     

Freedom… to pursue life.

I am wondering when this comes to be, if I will look back and say thank you to the client for terminating my contract and pushing me to finally find my mojo?

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now. ~ Goethe

Well … here we are, at the start of the new financial year. Have you noticed how fast the months and years are going by or is it just me?

The answer to life?

Throughout the year, I have been pondering life, love and the universe trying to figure the answer to that eternal question ‘what is life all about?’ That is, what is it I am here to do, what is my purpose? Am I happy? What do I want to achieve in life? How do I want to live my life? I am sure most of us, at some stage have had similar thoughts… as I *get* that some of us have never had these types of thoughts. Which begs the question ‘does life just happen to us, or do we play some role in determining the life we lead?’

Choice or no choice?

I am going to work on the proposition that we create the life we lead, we create every drama and every scenario that plays out for us; and this is relevant to both our personal and professional lives. How do we do this? Through choice. Every choice we make is a choice, even when we truly believe we don’t have a choice. The mere notion of not having a choice, IS actually a choice and this sets the scene for whatever is going to happen next. Having said that, no choice is a bad choice. All choices simply provide the path we tread at that given time. If after, we decide we should have, could have done something different or better then that sets the path for making a different choice next time. Where perhaps we fail, is when we keep doing the same thing, keep making the same choices hoping for a different outcome?

The essence of Self?

Life, relationships and leadership all start within. We don’t really understand life, can’t really build sound relationships and certainly aren’t able to lead effectively if we don’t have a sense of who we are. That is, what is the essence of me: who am I, what values do I hold, what is important to me, what would I never compromise, what expectations do I have for me, for others – whether that be family, friends or work colleagues? In other words, what do I know about me?

Now, this is the interesting part. How do I know what I believe to know about me is true? What if, I don’t really know that about me, I just think it to be me? And this is the place most of us are at? We have a view of ourselves we believe to be true but most times it is so inextricably entwined with our EGO that we create a false sense of who we are, and this drives the choices we make. We make choices that are designed to protect our EGO, to protect our sense of self. We make choices that potentially limit our ability, limit ourselves.

Lifelong Learning?

I get it! And I get that this is where learning for life fits. It is about creating consciousness and deep understanding of self. For it is only when we truly understand ourselves that we can effectively interact with others in whatever capacity that may be: as child, as parent, as partner, as work colleague, as team member, as leader. Learning about Self is crucial and understanding that Self is complex and made up of many aspects, all which need to be balanced and nourished is vital. Learning this, learning about self, should underpin every other piece of learning that ever takes place.

Well-being and Wellness?

My business, Lifelong Learning operates within a well-being model called the Seven-Dimensions. The Seven-dimensions enables us to explore work-life balance and the mind-body connection, to build depth of understanding around the fact that the work and learning we undertake, contributes to the health and wellness of each of us as individuals, groups, organisations and communities.

So, what is the answer to life?

Whatever you want it to be. It is all about you. It is knowing that life is full of possibilities and you are full of potential.

Huh? You don’t believe me? Well, therein lies the answer…

So ponder this… what choices are you making now to create the future you want?

You see, lunch with the girls serves many purposes but none more important than having a forum to discuss relationships. We were a mix of women at the lunch and whilst there were many topics we could and did discuss the main topic was men and relationships. Out of the seven of us, only one is married, two have never married and are not in a relationship, I have left the relationship and the rest are in various states of new relationships.

We are all successful business women, yet the predominant topic at lunch was men! Are we, as women then, not really happy unless we are in a relationship? And if we are not in a relationship and we say we are happy, are we really? For me, this is a bit confronting given I am embarking on a solo journey, what if I will never be happy? Are there degrees of happiness?

The Dalai Lama says “we are simply on this earth to be happy” so maybe we need to ponder the following questions: (1) what is happiness; and (2) when am I most happy?

It is useful to listen to the language we use when talking about happiness to determine ‘when am I most happy.’ Is our language (therefore our happiness) based in the past - “I was so happy when we had the house down south and I didn’t have to worry about xyz” or future oriented – “I will be really happy when the kids are finished at school and I can take that holiday I have been yearning for years.”

True happiness or authentic happiness is appreciating the here and now, finding happiness in every day simple things such as I am happy to be alive, I am happy to have a roof over my head, I am happy I can make fantastic pancakes and enjoy good coffee in the mornings. Happiness is not authentic if it is conditional. That is, happiness can not be based on something else needing to happen such as “I will be happy when I lose those extra 10 kilos, I can only be happy if you do this, or give me that.” Being happy is a choice. For me, I am happy to simply give life a go – Que Sera Sera!

This is why you have lunch with the girls, to ponder these types of questions. The lunch part of lunch with the girls is really inconsequential. Lunch with the girls is not about the food (although it has to be good) it is the collective support and nurturing we offer to each other. Lunch with the girls is the best therapy session any of us can partake in. And lunch with the girls also expands our social networks as we each invite someone from our pack to join us for lunch in another pack therefore connecting with other women and broadening perspective.

Is it any wonder women are much better than men when it comes to emoting and talking about life, love and the universe? We have been practising over lunch for years!

Lunch with the girls? Absolutely! Now that thought makes me happy…

Favourite lunch spots: Tell me about your fav spots, these are mine…

The Subiaco Hotel, The Ess Bar – Subiaco, The Raffles Hotel (Tapas Bar and Deco) – Applecross, Cocos – South Perth, The Botanica – Innaloo, The Blue Duck – Cottesloe, Indiana Tea Rooms – Cottesloe and the Opus Restaurant in the Richardson Hotel – West Perth (also does a great degustation).

They say that renovating your house is akin to renovating your soul; the house being metaphor for your psyche.  So, that must mean I am going through a major overhaul right now!

Yesterday the house renovations started quite literally with a bang, thud and crash.  As the demolition occurs and bits of the house crumble and fall, the bob-cat dutifully comes along scrapes it all into a neat pile and throws it into a very large truck to be carted away to goodness knows where.

So what is this saying about me?  Are layers of me also being stripped away, demolished to be swept up and carted off?  What am I throwing away?  What will be the new me after this rather cathartic process?  Hmmmmm, interesting parallel, let’s see what happens.

I wrote that text in a blog a couple of years ago and now realise just how prophetic those words were or indeed how true the connection between house and soul!  The renovation of house finished but the renovation or transformation of me continues…

So I thought I would share a bit of this journey with you.  I have changed, maybe grown up even, not sure.  Sometimes, I think it would be nice to not be aware and not reflect and analyse life, however that doesn’t work for me especially given my chosen career and philosophy of Lifelong Learning.  And this is one of those lifelong learning moments… so this story or journey is aptly titled “fifty, fabulous and a bunch of other f words!” 

In retrospect, it was really quite scary reaching the big 5 – 0 only to realise there had to be more to life.  The renovation and then the transformation of the house paralleled my life.  I realised I wanted the best experience life could offer me so I made the humungous decision to head off on a solo path ending the long term relationship.

On the approach to this significant birthday friends actually said to me “Watch out turning fifty, you may leave the marriage, sell the house, chuck in the job, or give away the kids and animals – well so true!”  So here I am now at the ripe age of 50 something single, and loving it.  The weight of an unfulfilling relationship lifted to reveal a zest for life that makes me want to skip down the street bare feet and dance naked in kings park, if of course that were allowed.

I went out one Friday night and fell in love!  Yes it was a person, a lovely man, and whilst it was everything I had dreamed and hoped for it was also way more.  The experience was metaphor for change, courage and growth at the emotional and spiritual levels; and at the physical it was just sheer joy at experiencing the light headed giddiness that goes with flirting and romance, of being drunk on the moment and not on any actual substance.  The feeling of invigoration; I was tingling with excitement at what might be. But at the same time, not attached to what might be.  It may be forever, or it may fizzle tomorrow, but to feel all this again was just sensational.

Relationships that don’t work shut you down to these types of feelings, turn off the youthful exuberance of being in love, of touching the other person, breathing in their smell and kissing to the point of getting lost in that embrace and falling into a world that you don’t want to return from.  I found this on that Friday night, out of the blue there he was and we clicked. The chemistry was instantaneous and exhilarating.  We chatted to the early hours of the morning, held hands and kissed like teenagers.

We arranged to meet the next day and in the cold harsh reality of daylight, it was just as good.  The day morphed into the night and we had not run out of things to say, we ate some food, we drank some beer and kept talking, holding hands and kissing.  It was then I realised something else was stirring in me.  Something I hadn’t felt for a long time; I felt alive and aching with excitement, something I had turned off or at least shut down a long time ago and now I realised this feeling, this state of youthful exuberance is something I want in my life always; I want more of this – OH – MY – GOD! 

Ok, so here is the reality check… how ridiculous at my age to be behaving like this, let alone writing/blogging about it.

But that is the point… age should not prevent any of us from seeking fulfilment and chasing rainbows and dreams.  Here’s the thing: to be in love is to be and feel young.  So why does love avoid so many of us?  What happened that Friday night that allowed two people to connect?

Firstly, we were obviously in the right place at the right time, so it is important to be out and about.  Then the rest was up to us.  He or I could have feigned disinterest, but we didn’t.  We could have pretended to be something we are not, but we didn’t. We allowed ourselves to be vulnerable (well, at least I did) and we took the bull by the horns. Neither of us was expecting to rescue or be rescued by the other, we were simply enjoying the moment – or so I thought! 

The experience got me thinking about what I want from life.  And what I know is I want to experience deep, passionate, intimate, romantic love – unashamedly!

Our well-being is based on being balanced and love and everything that goes with love is part of that balance.

So the moral to this story is LIFE has to be lived.  It is a waste to stay somewhere and not be happy or fulfilled, and yet sadly many of us do.  I say find the courage to live the life you really want.  Be passionate, dare to thrill and be thrilled and in the process be whole and feel the giddiness of youth through love and romance.  This, I got tell you, is a great place to be.